I was talking to a twitter friend the other day about birthday cards. She was looking for a card for her friend who was turning 65, and she remarked how pitiful the selection was. I never thought about this, but cards that spew euphemisms such as “the best is yet to come” are not appreciated by the senior set as some do not appreciate the sentiment that their first 65 years were not valuable or noteworthy, and it’s only the last years which will prove fruitful.
Anyway, as we were chatting, my very smart and sassy friend came up with a great idea –a greeting card line dedicated to Senior Citizens. Yes, cards dedicated to the wit, age and wisdom of the 65+ set. I liked this idea and asked if we could add a funny card division to the Senior Moments Line (Yes, that is what I named it, and I have it copyrighted so no one steal it) as not every senior citizen likes schmaltzy prose for their special occasion.
She gave me the go ahead. In an effort to kick off this new business idea, I have asked a greeting card person to write some serious sample cards, and I have taken the liberty of adding some humorous ones. Please think of yourselves as my focus group. Let me know how I can improve the cards to make them more appealing to the more mature citizenry.
As the years pass us by, we cherish the love that surrounds us and memories that have made our lives worth living. Happy Birthday to someone who has meant so much to us all. (Yes,this makes me want to vomit too)
Your hair has that silver hue
Your bones are brittle and they creak
Yes, you are another year older
But there is no need to fret and freak
Go explore; travel the world
So much fun left in life still
Guilt your kids to come and visit
And then announce “Surprise! You are out of the will!”
Love knows neither age nor time. How wonderful that two special people found each other and want to share their lives
He might take a lot of pills
Your blonde hair is bottle made
But love knows no limits and bounds
Viagra will not let your desire fade
So, congratulations on your wedding
We wish you many years as husband and wife
The best thing about getting hitched this late
You cut out the years of marital strife
Another chapter in your life is unfolding. Congratulations on taking the leap from working 9 to 5 to a life lived on your own terms.
You left the rat race and the boss behind
You believed your IRA was your friend
But the economy tanked and so did your investments
A retirement of leisure is at an end
No worries; there are options
A part time job is a good start
Put away the cardigan and don the blue vest
And practice these words, “Welcome to Walmart”.
To your new beginning and new memories that you will create in your new home. Congratulations on taking this exciting step!
You gave up the house
Too many rooms to tend
The mortgage is paid off
All good things must come to an end
You don’t care what the house sells for
You don’t care if the neighbors have a fit
You don’t care if you brought down home values
You just don’t give a freakin’ shi…
Oops! Hallmark does not allow curse words – even on their Television Network – let’s just go on.
You have paid your dues to your offspring
Home maintenance is now someone else’s care
You spent your kids’ inheritance on a 55+ townhome
They will learn when you’re gone there are only memories to share