If you’re of the Catholic persuasion, then you know that we are one week deep into Lent.
For everyone else: every year, shortly after Valentine’s Day, the Almighty decides that he’s tired of putting in all the work into this relationship — including that freaky four-way with his son and a ghost we asked for. After Mardis Gras, God sobers up and turns into the princess from A Knight’s Tale and asks us to prove our love by giving up something we love for 40 days.
I, for instance, gave up the slide whistle this year, which means 40 days of stern erections: a price my wife will just have to pay. In prior years, I’ve given up monologuing in the shower, checking my tissues for productive noseblowings and Chalupas because
- It has to be something difficult to live without. (I ate nothing but Gorditos in 1998 to keep to my non-Chalupa agreement.)
- It can’t be a repeat.
But, you don’t have to be Catholic to participate. In fact, Muslims have their own version, Ramadan, while Evangelical Protestants swear off of gay sex for their entire lives — which often leads to failure for extending it beyond the Lent season.
It is in this Christian spirit that I’ve prescribed some Lent suggestions to others. Who knows? Maybe it will change their lives permanently for the better.
George Lucas: 40 days without editing Star Wars
It’s difficult to leave what many people consider to be your greatest movies ’70s-tastic when making new movies is hard, but dammit, George, try it for Lent. Red Tails wasn’t bad, but if you’re really having trouble, try revamping some of your movies that really need help, like Howard the Duck or Radioland Murders. (On a sidenote: thank you for recognizing that Willow is pretty much perfect as is.)
And you won’t be alone, because I’m also challenging Ridley Scott to leave Blade Runner alone for 40 days … or at least until Legend gets a re-edit.
Westboro Baptist Church: 40 days without picketing
I’m not gonna lie: your method of protesting has worked to get your name out there. But, unless you’re in the seventh grade, it’s impossible for everything to be gay. What I’m saying here is that, protesting Whitney Houston? The Super Bowl? At this point, you’re stretching.
So, maybe for 40 days, you could try something new: Christian stuff. Did you know that millions of Bible-reading folk have split their time between hating homosexuals and feeding the poor? And if you decide after Lent to go back to picketing military funerals, at least you can do it with the feeling of having helped your fellow man. (Or would that also be “gay?”)
Rick Santorum: 40 days without talking about sex
Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum would like you to know he has ideas about the economy and stuff, but, you know, sex keeps getting in the way. For a procreative-only sex kind of guy, he spends more time considering ways for people to get it on without pregnancy than the Bangbros.
Rick, take it from a guy with the same first name: at best, you’re alienating the parts of America that enjoy sex (all of it except you), and at worst, you’re turning the nation on with all your dirty talk. Let’s dial it down for 40 days. You know, in addition to whatever else you’re giving up for Lent.