Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
So Many Tasers, So Little Time
Looking for the best spot to be tased? Try a sporting event.
Hey, just this week we had a teenager tased at a Phillies baseball game and a drunken heckler zapped at a golf tournament. Coming to a Little League game near you: Don’t be shocked! Oh, sorry, I’m all charged up with stun gun puns.
The poor teenager, Steve Consalvi, was dancing around the outfield at Citizens Bank Park Tuesday night when a police officer shot him with a stun gun.
When I’m running…
They’ve come gunning …
I feel craz-y
Please don’t tase me
Fuzz can’t faze me
Cause I’m so stunning…
And running with joy
I’m a pretty wonderful boy”
At The Players Championship golf tournament on Friday 36-year-old Travis Parmelee yelled at players, became belligerent and pulled away when officers tried to put him in a golf cart. When he continued resistance, he was tased.
Oh, so snockered
I’m the drunkest skunk on the block
And I’m hecklin’
Yes, I’m hecklin’
At golfers who are drivin’ the rock
Doncha try to take me in that ‘lectric car
Doncha try to make me in your ‘lectric car
Cause you know I’ll be in for a shock!!”
Last year Mark Vernaldo was tasered in Oakland during an A’s game. On Thursday night prior to the stun gunning on Mr. Parmelee, the golf course superintendent found a car parked on the green of hole No. 8. The engine was running and inside the car the superintendent found John Rinaldi and Brianna Borelli. They couple left before a stun gun had to be used. Did Rinaldi and Borelli also start singing, you ask? Yes, they did:
“We feel pretty… Oh, so pretty… That the city… should not arrest us, please”
The moral of these stories: If you’re charged with keeping the peace at a sporting event, be ready to use a stun gun. Especially if you discover there are people attending your event whose last name ends in a vowel.