The Art of Farting | HumorOutcasts

The Art of Farting

May 10, 2012
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I like the word fart.  It has such personality and depth of expression.  I mean, look at it.  If you remove the letter F from the word fart you get art or fart art!  And you just thought it was another four letter F word. So, why not explore the art of farting?  Here’s the way I see it.

There are certain qualities of farting from the general fart to the sophisticated which requires a enormous amount of skill and dexterity.  So let’s begin with the general fart which I like to call the Whoopee Cushion Climax.  Now this is the beginner art fart not requiring much skill but a rather spontaneous release creating a whoosh sound.  Not very impressive, really, but very rewarding to the fartee often creating an sigh of relief and a relaxed demeanor of the  body.

Next on the skill level is the Musical Fart or Toot Fart which requires more skill of muscle control and  lower body pressure.  This type of fart can be a series of toots or toot toot – break – toot  rather like a Morse code which could be used as a form of communication depending on the skill involved and the intent of the toot.  Further study of the Morse code is suggested or create your own set of communication applications.  Be sure to share.

One of my favorites is the high pitched Operatic Fart which probably reaches the upper end of the scale on a high G or C level and is sustained for a period of time.  This requires great skill in muscle control and expression of tone quality.  This demands practice, practice, practice! The expression is truly breath taking!

Farting can also be a sporting event requiring two people. I, of course, am referring to the Pull My Finger Fart.   This requires the finger puller and the fartee working together in unison.  Now, even though I have never seen any rules for performing this game, one could research the area or indeed create a set of rules.  This could be a major writing process offering a great deal of satisfaction and performance skill.  Perhaps I will explore this avenue in another writing.

The Silent Fart is probably the most skillful of all farts.  It requires all of your farting skills coordinated together demanding perfect coordination of release.  This is on the same level as the Black Belt in Martial Arts except this is Fart Art.

One of the most exciting aspects of farting is the Pre-Birth Fart.  You know it’s in there.  You can feel it building and moving but no matter how much you coordinate all of your farting skills nothing happens.  Yes, there is a gestation period of a fart.  It will not release until it is ready and there is nothing you can do about it.  But the other exciting aspect of a Pre Birth Fart is what type of fart will it be?  So exciting!

Well, there you  have it.  Natural processes can offer a great deal of humor and fun.  So, the next time you pass wind, remember. Farting is an art!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Robert Sneed

As a retired Chiropractor now working in the hospitality field, laughter is indeed the stabilizer in my life. My joy is to share this humor with you. Read my new book, "Unexpected Performance" to enjoy the many interesting and crazy events that take place as an audio host including the rather unusual production of a Segway Ballet.

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9 Responses to The Art of Farting

  1. Robert Sneed
    May 12, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    Hi Mike,

    So glad my farting expression gave you a laugh. I surely had fun writing it!

    Robert

  2. Robert Sneed
    May 12, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    Hi Mike,

    Thanks so much for your kind comments. I really had fun writing this article and am glad it brought a little humor into your life.

    Robert

  3. Kathy Minicozzi
    May 11, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Sheeeesshh this is funny! I’m holding my nose while reading it, but it’s funny.

    • Robert Sneed
      May 12, 2012 at 8:35 pm

      Hi Kathy,

      Thanks so much for your gracious comment regarding my article. I had a blast writing it. So glad it provided you with some laughs.

      Robert

  4. May 11, 2012 at 9:36 am

    A very fun post, Robert. So sorry it took me so long to get you up and posted. Thank you for your patience!

    • Robert Sneed
      May 12, 2012 at 8:43 pm

      Hi Donna,

      Thanks so much for accepting me as a writer on HO. This is a totally new experience for me and one that I look forward to grow and develop. It is very exciting to be a part of HO.

      Robert

  5. Deb Martin-Webster
    May 11, 2012 at 8:44 am

    HAHAHAHA! I totally agree with the Pre-Birth fart! Funny article Robert and welcome to HO!

    • Robert Sneed
      May 12, 2012 at 8:38 pm

      Hi Deb,

      Thanks so much for prodding me in a really supportive way to become a member of HO. This is my first ever article and I am so glad it brought some laughter into your life. See you at work and we will dream up some more funny stuff together.

      Robert

  6. May 10, 2012 at 11:33 pm

    In college I had a roommate who had categorized farts. The SBD (Silent, but Deadly) fart was my favorite.



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