I like the word fart. It has such personality and depth of expression. I mean, look at it. If you remove the letter F from the word fart you get art or fart art! And you just thought it was another four letter F word. So, why not explore the art of farting? Here’s the way I see it.
There are certain qualities of farting from the general fart to the sophisticated which requires a enormous amount of skill and dexterity. So let’s begin with the general fart which I like to call the Whoopee Cushion Climax. Now this is the beginner art fart not requiring much skill but a rather spontaneous release creating a whoosh sound. Not very impressive, really, but very rewarding to the fartee often creating an sigh of relief and a relaxed demeanor of the body.
Next on the skill level is the Musical Fart or Toot Fart which requires more skill of muscle control and lower body pressure. This type of fart can be a series of toots or toot toot – break – toot rather like a Morse code which could be used as a form of communication depending on the skill involved and the intent of the toot. Further study of the Morse code is suggested or create your own set of communication applications. Be sure to share.
One of my favorites is the high pitched Operatic Fart which probably reaches the upper end of the scale on a high G or C level and is sustained for a period of time. This requires great skill in muscle control and expression of tone quality. This demands practice, practice, practice! The expression is truly breath taking!
Farting can also be a sporting event requiring two people. I, of course, am referring to the Pull My Finger Fart. This requires the finger puller and the fartee working together in unison. Now, even though I have never seen any rules for performing this game, one could research the area or indeed create a set of rules. This could be a major writing process offering a great deal of satisfaction and performance skill. Perhaps I will explore this avenue in another writing.
The Silent Fart is probably the most skillful of all farts. It requires all of your farting skills coordinated together demanding perfect coordination of release. This is on the same level as the Black Belt in Martial Arts except this is Fart Art.
One of the most exciting aspects of farting is the Pre-Birth Fart. You know it’s in there. You can feel it building and moving but no matter how much you coordinate all of your farting skills nothing happens. Yes, there is a gestation period of a fart. It will not release until it is ready and there is nothing you can do about it. But the other exciting aspect of a Pre Birth Fart is what type of fart will it be? So exciting!
Well, there you have it. Natural processes can offer a great deal of humor and fun. So, the next time you pass wind, remember. Farting is an art!