The Dangers of Cooking Naked

Tomato sauce in mid-reduction © by Ned Raggett

I cannot believe that this needed to be written about or even talked about, but it seems the kitchen gods felt so strongly about this topic that they repeated themselves at least twice over the course of a year and a half. Yes, the same article appeared on two separate websites about this sensitive subject. What is it that has caused such a stir you might wonder? It is the practice of cooking naked.

Yes, you read that right…cooking naked. Is cooking naked that common an occurrence? Am I such a prude that I never even considered preparing meals without clothes. I used to think I was daring not donning an apron, but no clothes? I must admit that not once when I was earning my cooking badge in the Girl Scouts did the topic of cooking in the buff come up, but I guess the Girl Scouts didn’t do their homework because apparently, nude cooking is supposed to be a freeing and creative experience that allows you to immerse yourself in the art of food preparation more fully.

For me, nude cooking is a recipe for disaster. Boiling water, splattering oil and naturally hot plant oils can make the carefree practice of naked cooking a painful experience. Fortunately, for novice nude chefs, there is a definite list of foods one should avoid when cooking naked and they include: potato latkes, bacon, fried chicken, deep fried turkey, any kind of searing meat, tomato sauce, jalapeno peppers, hot caramel and anything that requires wasabi. Why not just be safe and cook with clothes on? Or even treat yourself to something like a delivery from Little Italy Pizza? Do people really enjoy cooking in the nude?

I know you are asking, “I get all the hot oil warnings, but why wasabi and hot peppers? They don’t splatter.” Ah, but according to the naked cooking experts, if you touch wasabi and/or hot peppers then accidentally rub your hands onto a sensitive part of your body, crippling pain and burning will occur.

This pain and burning brings me to a point that was not brought up in the naked cooking article: hygiene and rubbing body parts. Why is someone rubbing their body parts while preparing food? Is this some new form of sex no one told me about? Damn, I miss so much not watching the Food Channel. Honestly, I think this naked cooking thing might not be for me. I am a maniac about washing my hands when preparing food. What must I have to go through to cook naked? And more importantly, I have to wonder what do other people go through when they cook naked? I am not sure I trust everyone I know to keep certain body parts away from my food especially if they are not as obsessive about hygiene as I would want them to be.

However, if you think you might like to explore the art of nude cooking, I have listed both links to the article below. There is probably a You Tube video as well; I will leave you to find that one on your own. Have a blast. If you do decide to explore the art of nude cooking, I only ask three things of you: 1) Follow all the safety suggestions laid out in the article. 2) Know where your kitchen fire extinguisher is AT ALL TIMES and 3) Please…and I cannot stress this enough…be extra careful what you put into the microwave.

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11 thoughts on “The Dangers of Cooking Naked”

  1. Hi all, just a warning – touching hot peppers then “accidentally” rubbing your hands onto a sensitive part of your body causes excruciating pain. I have to start listening to Donna and stop daring Yself to do stuff!

  2. I don’t usually cook naked. Something about my dong carelessly flopping all over the place while chopping onions just doesn’t feel right.

    But I did learn my lesson when I prepared Bananas Foster shirtless. I can still smell my burnt chest hairs.

  3. There are certain sights one was never meant to see
    Cooking naked in my kitchen, by most especially me.

    I’m a poet and I know it. thank yew.

  4. I doubt is there are many people who regularly cook that have not been splattered and even burned while cooking…clothed. In the nude, the potential only increases.

    Making cold desserts in the nude…now that I could see!

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