The Honest Truth of What I’m About to Say Will Probably Enrage You

I have a 6th sense when it comes to knowing how to push people’s buttons.
Normally I try to avoid such unpleasantness. Unfortunately that’s not always possible.

I realize what I’m about to say will undoubtedly make 99% of anyone reading this, burst into combustible fury.

On the flip side, the remaining 2% of the readers who suck at math, will love, respect, and admire me for my bravery to be honest.

But truthfully speaking, I don’t like the percentage of those odds.

So then, I’m not going to say what I had originally unplanned to spontaneously say in a very rude but truthful way. I do not want to be one of those random blurters of honesty… the type of person everyone assumes must be drunk or off their meds.

Fact of the matter is, being honest has its place… honesty’s place is probably in an overpriced, miniscule ramshackle, on the lower east side of Manhattan. Of course its bathroom is for shit, way outdated, and the kitchen wouldn’t know an “open concept” even if it was in a threesome with a marble counter top and a slutty backsplash.

Meanwhile, the cigar smoking bastard of a landlord refers to it as a spacious one bedroom apartment. Yet it’s barely big enough for a midget, which means the enormity of honesty living with a midget roommate can end only one way:  suffocation, turning blue, death.

Oddly though, honesty always finds a way to survive, but that midget, lil’dude is a goner.

The Honest Truth of What I’m About to Say Will Probably NOT Enrage You

Regardless of me rethinking initial intentions, and obviously backtracking on my impromptu need to spout unbearable truths about humanity, all fueled by a drunken medless moment of shame, I still estimate the original 99% who instantly geared up to be angry, solely based on a subject heading, will actually wind up mad anyway. Thinking, “Is this some bait and switch bullshit?”

But the 99er’s anger isn’t really towards me, it’s all about some other issue that they are too scared to honestly deal with. Instead, they project those negative emotions on a stranger, on me, rather than being truthful with themselves or others by taking control of their own personal chaos. By the way, there is no judgment from me on that. I feel for you. I hope you can get your shit together sometime soon. Really do.

However, the other 2%, who really do suck at math, are now going feral, foaming at the mouth, thinking, “What is this, some bait and switch bullshit?”

Those 2percenters are supremely disappointed, being let down, once again, by a total stranger who promised something, yet, as usual, never delivered. They even begin to question if my avatar is real or not. Worse than that, they actually start wondering if what I said above is even remotely true, about me being a midget mermaid who’ll suffocate and die in my lower east side, two story Manhattan loft unless I speak nothing but the truth. Please believe me when I tell you I don’t want to go back to living in the sea. Ever.

Anyway… whether you’re the 99 or 2 percentilers, if you are still here, reading this, then regardless of whatever your original intention for hanging out with me was… if you are still here, we’ve come a long way together. I have a 6th sense about you, and I can tell, without a doubt, that you’re a great person. And honestly, I love that, respect it and admire it. I feel your greatness… a greatness that probably enrages people. Ignore them. Their jealousy is beneath you.

You are truly wonderful. And I’m speaking honestly here, because truth is, people think I’m the cause of that midget’s death. But how could I have done it if I’m online right now writing a blog post? Plus, there is proof of him loosing his senses, claiming to his friends and relatives that I am a mermaid… I needn’t worry. None of that will fly in court.

I adore you. I hope you work out your troubles and everything settles for the best. If anyone deserves that, it’s you.