The Monster Limb

Whenever I think I have stepped over the edge into near insanity, I turn on Reality TV because nothing makes me feel more normal than an hour of watching reality stars. And this was the case when I tuned in to watch a show called Ax Men.

I will admit that I have never seen an entire episode of this show, and I will concede that there are many people who find this show entertaining and enthralling. Hey, I don’t underestimate the danger of being a logger. I am way too cowardly to take on this profession.  However, when a show focuses on the discovery of a “monster” tree limb, I have to think that someone on that show is either tweaking the script or spiking the stars’ Gatorade.

This is how this show went. “Ax Man” Shelby has been in search of a legendary log from the 1800s that was part of a huge raft made of cut trees that was slated to go to the logging mill. Unfortunately, while floating down the river on its way to the mill, a violent storm erupted and tore the raft asunder. All but one of the big limbs were recovered. The missing branch sunk to the bottom of the river in Titanic-esque fashion, and thus the legend of the monster branch was born. The branch is now supposedly worth thousands of dollars, and Shelby has been searching for this missing limb for 20 years, and when he discovered it, he could not contain his joy.

Again, I applaud anyone who can realize a dream.  So, take a bow, Logger Shelby – good for you. But I guess I am having a hard time getting as excited as the rest of the show’s fans about finding this piece of tree. The way the people on the show acted, I thought they had found Bigfoot.

Let me pause here, and say to the Bigfoot people, who are still mad at me over my “humor” post on the possible non-existence of the hairy creature, which resulted in many of you sending me hate email and calling me names that would make – well, logger Shelby blush.  I am not here to pour salt in your old imbecilic wounds. I bring up Bigfoot because the Ax Men guys hang out where Bigfoot supposedly lives, so I just was making a point that I would think they would have been more excited to find something alive and mysterious such as Bigfoot in that neck of the woods instead of a submerged limb of a tree. I guess I don’t get what value a tree branch that was cut down 200 years ago and slated to be building lumber possesses today. If it got to the mill it might be antique furniture by now, and that would be of value, and if it never was cut down, it would still be standing in the forest, and as a living tree it would be of value, but why is a wet monster limb any more valuable than a telephone pole?

But if Shelby is going to make thousands of dollars from this branch, I can’t help feel some happiness for him.  Will he put it up in his yard and start his own museum? I think there would be a lot of merchandising ideas that could add to his windfall if he did that.  If he sells the branch, will it end up as firewood or as end tables at a nearby IKEA?  What does one do with a monster limb?

Well, I guess Shelby will figure it out. His fans…yes, he has groupies…want the producers of Ax Men to give Shelby his own logging show.  I say a spinoff might be a bit redundant being that Ax Men is still on the air — how much logging can viewers watch? Unless one of the Ax Men has boobs like a Kardashian sister, a spinoff is risky at best. However, they could create a crossover show with the Bigfoot people, Trees and Beasts and other Monsters of the Forest.  I like that, and in fact, I’ll go out on a limb, so to speak, and predict a runaway success.