The Pros and Cons of Celebrating Holiday Traditions before the Mayan Calendar Ends on December 21st

christmas cookies © by seelensturm

Yes, we are approaching the big day when life on this planet might cease to exist…if you believe the Mayans and the doom and gloom people always featured on the History Channel. So, as December 21st, the day of reckoning approaches, I thought it would be a good idea to offer some sound advice on what to do this pre-apocalyptic holiday season.

If the Mayans are right:

Don’t worry about those holiday special promotions. Black Friday won’t matter, so don’t risk your life or what’s left of it, beating out the ever growing violent crowds that participate in this semi-religious shopping holiday. You can shop when you want and not worry about sales. If the world ends, no one is going to be around to care if you overspend or care about what you buy. Better yet, don’t shop at all. Stay at home and enjoy your last days on this Earth eating, drinking and making merry.

If the Mayans are wrong:

You will regret not braving the mall crowds after Thanksgiving  for now you will have to make up for your Pro-Mayan stance by shopping the last three days before Christmas and paying top dollar for whatever gifts are left in the now-empty stores. It won’t be bad if those expensive gifts are for people you like, but if they are for people whose gifts normally wear a sticker from Dollar General, you might not be too thrilled to see the sun rise on the 22nd of December.  What gifts will be left to buy?  Only items that come in an XXL or larger—everything else will be sold. So, if you insist on not shopping until three days before Christmas, it might be in your best interest to drop your present friends and family and attach yourself only to really tall, chubby people.  At least you can give them gifts that look like you put some thought into them.

If the Mayans are Right:

Bake and eat all the Holiday cookies you want. Don’t worry about those extra ten holiday pounds and don’t worry about signing up for a gym membership in the New Year. There is no New Year. Besides, on the next plane of existence, weight is probably not an issue as clouds, the major form of transportation, can support pretty much everyone.  Also, rumor has it that no one cares about nutrition over there and pastries in the afterlife are considered a staple food.  I read that somewhere or maybe I just dreamt that. Either way, it sounds pretty damn good to me.

If the Mayans are wrong:

Get ready for Pajama Jeans because that is all that is going to fit your cookie-engorged body. The good news for Pajama jeans is that you can lounge in them all day; the bad news is you can lounge in them while you watch another 1000 years of the 700 Club.  Why, because without the Mayan-world-ending-event, it is unlikely the FCC will pull their broadcasting license, and so we be forced to endure another round of apocalyptic prognostication.

If the Mayans are right:

Don’t worry about going home for the Holidays and visiting the relatives you don’t want to see. In fact, tell them you don’t want to see them. Let it all hit the proverbial fan. Those fan blades are only going to be spinning a few days until the Mayan event takes place, so how much harm can it do?  Telling everyone off relieves you of the responsibility of getting in your car or getting on a plane and sitting for hours. And if you like your family, you will most likely meet them on the other side the day after the Mayan calendar crash, so no harm; no foul.

If the Mayans are wrong:

Start groveling on the 22nd.  A little begging for forgiveness for not showing up is a small price to pay for staying in your grandmother’s will.

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6 thoughts on “The Pros and Cons of Celebrating Holiday Traditions before the Mayan Calendar Ends on December 21st”

  1. Are there any legal experts in the house that can tell us if we could use the Mayan calendar as a defense in a court of law to get away with stuff that we normally wouldn’t get away with? I’m specifically talking about getting “rid” of a certain so-called band that the world could do without!

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