The Puppy Pot Epidemic

Does your dog display a faraway look in his eyes?  At times, does he possess a need for an exorbitant amount of Snausages?  Does he lie on his back and stare at the ceiling fan going round and round for hours? Well, I don’t know how to break this to you, but your dog might be high.

Yes, for the past few months, vets (veterinarians not veterans) have been warning pet owners that dogs (to a lesser degree cats, horses, etc) are attracted to pot.  While some dogs will go after the plant itself, other pets will down the drug in cannabis-laced cookies, cakes and brownies. This is nothing to giggle at because pot can be toxic for pets, but on the upside, few pets have had fatal overdoses.

The increase in pot poisonings has occurred in states that allow medical dispensing of marijuana for chronic illnesses and pain management.  This is no surprise because many patients bake the pot into food such as cookies and brownies which will attract any dog.  Dogs do not know the difference between a Mrs. Field’s cookie and a “special-baked” cookie.  All they know is that it tastes good. Of course, the anti-pot crowd has added pet poisoning as another reason to do away with medical marijuana. If we go by this narrow-minded argument, which pretty much is how the country operates these days, we can’t have chocolate, gum, onions, and many ornamental plants in our possession as all of these can poison or kill our dogs.

Fortunately, in this pet pot debate, I have not heard anyone bring up the topic of declaring chocolate, which is responsible for way more doggie deaths and poisonings than pot, illegal. I hope we are smart enough to know the problems that would ensue if anyone brought up outlawing chocolate.

Just in case, you cannot envision the civil unrest, let me lay it out for you:  According to Women’s Health USA 2011, there are more than 150 million women in the United States alone. Yes, we comprise 50.7 percent of the population. Of the 150-million women, 45.9 percent are 35 years of age and under and 39.5 percent are ages 35 to 64.  What does this mean? There is a lot of PMS and estrogen floating around, and do you know what we need to quell the symptoms of PMS?  Chocolate.  And no dog poisoning issue is going to keep any of us from our freaking chocolate, and anyone who tries to keep us from our chocolate, will be sorry they did.

So, why should those who need medical pot be left out in the cold? Okay, maybe pot people can take a few extra precautions. Don’t leave bags of weed lying around the house or put the leftover pot pancakes in a place that the dog can’t reach.  Dog owners have learned not to leave “normal” chocolate brownies alone with a dog and they have learned to buy silk poinsettias at Christmas instead of the lethal real ones, so why can’t they learn to store pot brownies where they are safe or to invite enough people over who can down the whole batch in one sitting? How hard can it be to find people to eat your pot?

I think if the policing of pot is to be done correctly, we should get the input from our canine cannabis fans.  We should ask dogs how we should prevent pet poisonings.  Being the intrepid journalist I am, I have contacted some well known dogs and asked their opinion on how to handle the pets and pot issue:

Pluto: “Uh, I don’t know, Man, we never had a problem, and I have been on movie sets for over 70 years. The stuff is everywhere and we never had one doggie OD. Did you notice how big and yellow the sun is today? How cool.”

Goofy: “Is that what I have been eating all these years? I got the stuff from Pluto. Hey, Pluto, did you know what was in the brownies? And they wonder why I can’t remember my lines. You don’t happen to have any Pup-Peroni on you, do you?”

Scooby Do: “Pot? Wow! Damn, Shaggy. You are my best friend. Is that what smells in this mystery van?  I guess it explains why Scrappy Do has such an attitude problem.”

Brian Griffin (Family Guy):  Outlaw medical marijuana? This why we cannot elect a Republican President.