Last week, I watched a show about the end of the world on one of the History Channels. Then, this week, I saw another show covering the same topic. No matter what show I watch, the end result is the same: Satan is eradicated from the face of the earth by God. This story puzzles me as both an Earth dweller and a reporter. I had a discussion with several people on Facebook about the end of the world after I saw the first show, and that discussion only opened up more questions for me, so I decided to take matters into my own hands and conduct my own interview with the Prince of Darkness (POD). Now, no one get scared or offended. The POD was not only magnanimous about the interview, but also grateful for the chance to get some positive press. So, here it is: my potential Pulitzer Prize winning interview (I say potential because if I play my cards right with the POD, that prize is mine…or so he says).
DTC: So, you are the Big Guy from way down there huh? What do you like to be called? Satan, Devil, Prince of Darkness? Beelzebub?
SATAN I like Prince of Darkness, but Satan is my favorite. It’s short, not pretentious and easy to pronounce and it’s close to SANTA which pisses off a lot of people. The rest of the titles are just dramatic and to be honest, Beelzebub, that is just a bad speller’s nightmare. My credo is: If they can’t spell your name, they ain’t gonna worship you. I picked that up from Sister Sylvia, my fifth grade teacher.
DTC: A nun?
SATAN: Yeah, and she had me pegged. She said I would rot in Hell, and she was right.
DTC: Okay, Satan it is. So, what is the deal with the end of the world stuff? According to that book in the Bible, you come in as a trusted person, cause a lot of mayhem and destruction and then are finally wiped off the planet by God and Jesus and a bunch of ticked off angels. If you know the result, why don’t you change your game plan?
Satan: First of all, that book is all storytelling – more like a fantasy really. I was smoking a few reefers with some of my angel friends, and we came up with this tale. You humans love the dramatic and there is no story more dramatic than this one. You have everything in this bible book: good vs. evil, sins, fear, animals, redemption. It’s the best novel ever written.
DTC: What are you saying? This is just a put up job for literary sake?
SATAN: Well, not exactly. I would like to get a better stronghold on the Earth. It’s only fair. I have been maligned for centuries, so I would like to see me “expand my reach”, but I’m not greedy; I don’t need the entire Earth. I would be happy with just Arizona. It’s hot as Hell literally, and the governor gets me – totally. I think I could retire there.
DTC: If you got Arizona, we wouldn’t need Armageddon or the Rapture or anything?
SATAN: You can have the rapture. I don’t recommend Armageddon though. It seems a bit unnecessary. And as you said, if everyone knows the ending as to how an Armageddon would play out, why go through it? Why not come up with a Plan B that benefits everyone, and for me that is Arizona.
DTC: I guess that makes sense, but what about that whole scenario about you coming here first as someone we can trust? Why the deceit? Why not come in blasting away?
SATAN: Again, what fun is it if I just send my guys and start bombing away or knocking people off for the sake of knocking people off? You humans do that already. I want to be original. It would be nice if you liked me. I like to be liked. I can be a real teddy bear if you don’t piss me off and force me into possessing people and houses. I have had a lot of bad press from the 700 club to Kirk Cameron to FOX News. If I came in as a nice person, I might change an opinion or two about me. I would like to be the good guy.
DTC: If you do get to play the good guy, can you give us an idea as to who you would want to be?
SATAN: Well, a lot of you are assuming I am or would be a guy. The best thing about being the Big Kahuna from the bowels of the Earth is that I have no sex. I can be a man or woman or kid or dog or anything. How do you know I don’t have my identity already well established? Maybe I am someone like Justin Bieber or Sarah Palin or Tom Hanks or Taylor Swift or Snooki. Yeah, I could definitely be Snooki.
DTC: Our time is running short, and I have so many questions still. But I guess I just would like to emphasize your stance: You don’t want to blow up the world or capture souls?
SATAN: I like the world. I am rather fond of the materialism and shallowness and greed. It all suits me so I don’t see the point in doing something that would force a confrontation with God and Jesus. Frankly, Jesus I could take – he is way too nice. Love, love, love – he is a freaking broken record, but that Father of his – he smites everyone. I would like to avoid that whole scene.
DTC: Well, thanks Prince for your time and this rare interview. And I guess I will see you on Judgment Day? I won’t…will I ?
SATAN: So far, I am not planning on seeing you, but let’s see how it goes. Maybe you should stop flipping the bird to so many of your fellow drivers.
DTC: Uh oh.
SATAN: Yeah, that was me in the Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot.