The Second Greatest Story Ever Told

The Greatest Story Ever Told:
Magical being impregnates young woman in a puritanical culture which will surely condemn (if not stone) her for being an unwed mother. The idea is that sacrificing the child will bring mankind everlasting life, though this was not explained to mom. Women have such a strong natural instinct for motherhood, and will often even carry a rapist’s child. Such was the case with proud Mary. Oh how she loved her baby Jesus. Though it was true that as the years passed and he never took a wife as was customary…she began to think that maybe he was gay. But she loved him just the same. Then the estranged father comes back into the picture and arranges a brutal beating and hanging on the cross for days. Later, it is said that Jesus was not dead and actually floated off to heaven to be with his father for all time.

The Second Greatest Story Ever Told:
Even though the kids were disrespectful and rarely did their chores, their father brings home a new puppy and lets the kids get attached. Kids behavior gets even worse, so dad kills the puppy to save them from themselves and give them more time for homework. When the kids cry about it, Dad says that the puppy is not actually dead, but has gone to live at a sprawling Dog Farm where he can run and play all day.