This is a piece I wrote over two years ago before I began my personal blog at Woodgate’s View that addresses the issue of being a new dad; a timely topic since tomorrow is Father’s Day. Looking back allows us to realize that being a Father entails quite a bit of sacrifice but makes it all worth while when your kids still want to celebrate you on this date set aside for Dads.
“If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.” – Bill Cosby
Based on Bill Cosby’s evaluation of it you might presume that no matter what people tell you about it you’re apt to be surprised none-the-less about what fatherhood actually entails. It is the experience itself, not the knowledge of it, that can never be accurately conveyed for what awaits a new dad. Here is my attempt in a humorous fashion to set your expectations.
1. Sleep Deprivation. Forget about Circadian rhythms. Normal sleep cycles are a thing of the past. No amount of money will motivate the wife to take your turn at late night feedings and diaper changes.
2. Vomit Reflex. If you thought that only heavy binging would extricate your previous meal, you’re in for a rude awakening. Between my heaving and the diaper poop, my dog – who would eat his own feces – ran screaming from the house.
3. Loss of credibility. Feeling vulnerable when they discover YOU are Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.
4. Teddy-bear syndrome. No, not the stuffed animal you put with your child as they crawled into bed but the sensation that overcame you while watching them sleep. Awwwhhhhhhhhh.5. Unexpected elation upon putting the kids to bed. The fact that someone could be asleep and it would bring you such a feeling of rapture.
6. Sexual abstinence. Not only being unable to “fool around” (with your wife of course) right before and after the birth of your first child but seriously contemplating celibacy for yourself 6 months later. I mean, do you really want to go through this more than once?
7. Forget that Harley and a week-long “freedom” ride. Tucking extra money away now goes to a college education fund. Maybe they’ll qualify for Pell Grants?
8. Sand-castle meister. Going to the beach is no longer about “cruising chicks” unless you count driving the family to Miami.
9. Securing the bathroom. There are actually (little) people in the house now who don’t mind “visiting” you while reading a magazine on the throne. You did burn your copies of Playboy, right?
10. Knowing you have contributed to your future security. One day, if you survive, they will compensate you for all your sacrifices by contributing to your Social Security benefits.Being a father takes a sense of humor. Have fun and watch with astonishment. You don’t get any re-takes.
Well, as you pointed out, it’s not always glamorous or even fun being a father, but the rewards are worth it! Especially, if you get grandchildren — they are the reward for not killing your kids! Speaking of diaper changing, I’ll always remember how my wife discovered that you shouldn’t leave a baby by uncovered for very long. She came back to the bed with a fresh diaper, only to discover that there had been a local “rain shower” after she left.
T’aint nothing Mike. While changing my son’s diaper once I got it right in the face from the penile geyser.
Funny, timeless article LB, and so true!!!
I admit that I was bad at vomit. But the flipside is men don’t have boobs that work so the father in our house got out of late night feedings. I think he got the better deal in that there was a lot less vomit than late night feedings.
for those of us who produced plenty in our youthful drunken orgies, it is surprising how repulsed we become when up-chuck comes from the innocent organs of our progeny. 🙂
Father’s Day is the only day of the year where I wish I had more that one child. I kike presents but one isn’t enough. Hey, is adoption difficult?
“Hey, is adoption difficult?”,/i>
I feel certain that in today’s entrepreneurial market there has to be something along the lines of Rent-a-Kid that can fulfill your needs for more kids. An extra little one around the house to do those chores is always nice.
Oh wait. That’s not what you were really wanting … never mind