Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
THE WRONG WAY TO QUIET BASKETBALL
Basketball can be a noisy sport, especially if your neighbor’s driveway goal has an echoing metal backboard with lots of vibration. Even more noisy if your neighbor has a fourteen-year-old basketball playing boy prone to trash talking during his pick-up games. You want to quiet him down, file grievances, claim noise pollution, anything to stop him from playing when you want a little quiet time. But here’s one thing you should never do: strip down and sunbathe nude on your sun deck to punish him for disturbing your peace.
Here’s how it went down: The 40-year-old neighbor lady, Alexis Garcia of Corona, California, wants quiet time. The 14-year-old basketball playing boy wants to clank a few shots at his noisy rim. Good Looking Garcia asks the boy to stop playing but he continues practicing. The next thing we find is Gorgeous Garcia looking down at the boy from her sun deck with the boy looking up and she says, while disrobing and displaying full frontal “I told you to stop playing.”
The teenager runs in and tells his parents “Gorgeous Garcia is distracting me. I can’t keep my eye on the ball. Please call the police. She has these two bumpy things on her chest looking at me, also.”
Of course, that’s the way it happened, especially the part about the boy rushing right in to tell mom and dad. That’s the parents’ version of the story.
What we think happened is what would happen anywhere. The boy is dribbling the ball and the lady disrobes. The boy looks up and his dribbling slows down. “Did I just see boobies?” he’s thinking to himself. Dribbling slows down even more. She’s looking down at him and apparently her sun deck reveals more than just her top half. “Did I just see more than boobies?” Now it is one bounce every thirty seconds as if slow motion has set in. “I might have trouble making my shot,” the boy is still thinking. Time passes to where you hear… one… bounce… every… five… minutes.
It is at this point when the boy’s father wonders what is going on because it doesn’t sound like his son is playing basketball. When his dad walks outside, the boy sees him looking up at the sun deck and says “Dad, she… she…” to which his dad says “I can see. Come inside.”
Ms. Garcia becomes angry and says “I told him not to play so loudly. If he plays again I’ll be out here even nuder.” As she’s shouting the police are placing her in handcuffs. Yes, that’s the way to stop noisy basketball, threaten even more nudity. “You better not bring your friends over or they’ll get an eyeful, too.” Why not just say if your dog doesn’t stop barking, I’m going to toss him a steak. Why not say if your friend doesn’t stop honking his horn I’m going to scrub his car in my wet t-shirt.
This case is in trial now and Ms. Garcia could face a year in jail and be branded a sex-offender for the rest of her life. I’m sure she didn’t expect this possibility when she felt peace and quiet required desperate measures. If she asked me I could have told her about wood or glass backboards, breakaway rims, whisper-quiet shoes, earplugs and tanning salons. Although these items might have had a small cost, they were certainly cheaper than a year in jail.
We don’t know her finances but certainly tanning salons and earplugs were within reach.
It not like she was a children’s TV star named Pee Wee Herman, who, surprisingly couldn’t afford a VCR.