There is No “IQ” in Text Message | HumorOutcasts

There is No “IQ” in Text Message

February 24, 2012

I have been worried about the world for a long time—not in a “Mayan Calendar Explosion kind of way” but in a “Have we all swallowed stupid pills?” kind of way.  I thought we hit rock bottom with our love for The Kardashians, but it seems I was wrong.

The moment I realized that society had fallen and can no longer get up, was when I saw a commercial for “I Texted my name and my partner’s name to 7??-??, and it gave me my future baby’s name.”  (I refuse to write the real number. You will see it on a commercial I am sure, but I cannot knowingly in good conscience lead anyone to this service.)

I hear some of you saying, “So what? It’s just a harmless game that charges standard texting rates. It’s cute.” And to this I will admit that I can see how young love would find this inviting; however, it was the following comment I found online about this service that disturbed me. A young girl, who I hope is just pretending to be a moron, but I am unsure, presented this question to the texting service’s forum or some kind of forum where people discuss these heated topics. This was her query:

“I texted my name and partners name to 7??-??, and it gave me my future babbys name but I hate it and its ugly. Do I have to name my babby that? I don’t want to get thrown in jail. Please help me, I am very scared.”

I so wanted to respond to this very dumb girl and say:

Your school system failed you. I understand “babby” is in the urban dictionary, but it is not in Webster’s dictionary, and if you cannot spell the word baby correctly,  you should neither conceive one nor  give birth to one despite what Rick Santorum thinks. You paid for a text message–nothing more. Unless you live in Saudi Arabia or some other country where texting and tweeting gets you executed, I am pretty sure the “My Future Baby’s Name Service” is not legally binding. I’ll go out on a limb and make one more assumption: I am willing to bet that the company who offers this magical texting service neither keeps track nor cares what people name their babies. Their only concern is that they get their money for the texts from suckers like you who are willing to pay.

I do hope  that this chick was yanking everyone’s chain, but lately, I cannot be sure.  Do you think that carbon dioxide from global warming is affecting our brains or at least the brains of our youth?  I cannot put my finger on what happened to the world, but the best theory I have is that it a combination of factors: eating too much fast food, watching Two and a Half Men and Jersey Shore and well, allowing stupid parents to breed.

Is there hope for the world?  No, I don’t think so unless some parents come up with a super cell of children who can mate with the moronic ones and wipe the bad brain cells out.  If this emergency procreation does not occur, I think our number is up.  I just hope when everything is about to end, the warnings do not go through a text from a 7?? -?? number because I am not answering.


Donna Cavanagh

Donna Cavanagh is founder of (HO) and the partner publishing company, HumorOutcasts Press which now includes the labels Shorehouse Books and Corner Office Books ( As "den mother" to the more than 100 aspiring and accomplished writers, producers, comics and authors, Cavanagh's goal is to allow creativity to flow. She is a former journalist who made an unscheduled stop into humor more than 20 years ago. Her syndicated columns helped her gain a national audience when her work landed in the pages of First Magazine and USA Today. She teaches the how-to lessons of humor and publishing at conferences and workshops throughout the country including The Philadelphia Writers' Conference and Erma Bombeck Writers Workshop. The author of four humor books, Cavanagh hopes her latest book, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans, will encourage writers not only to embrace their humor talents but show them off as well.

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8 Responses to There is No “IQ” in Text Message

  1. February 27, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    We could start by calling “reality” shows something more appropriate, like “fantasy entertainment”, so that people have a better grip on what reality really is.

    • February 27, 2012 at 2:23 pm

      Mike, I think you should submit that nomenclature change and see what happens. You might get a big, fat royalty check! 🙂

  2. Theresa Wiza
    February 25, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Charles Manson is probably running that game from prison. Remember when he named Susan Atkins “Sadie Mae Glutz” and then named her son, “Zezozose Zadfrak Glutz”? It’s that same kind of thinking, so I think it must be him.

    • February 27, 2012 at 2:24 pm

      Well, that is an interesting theory Theresa. Should we ask the California penal system if this is a possibility. Does it require a road trip?

  3. Phoenix Emrys
    February 24, 2012 at 11:19 am

    I blame Gerry. That is all.

  4. Deb Martin-Webster
    February 24, 2012 at 8:43 am

    Sadly, these are the same people who think Keebler elves make cookies in hollow trees. 😉

    • Phoenix Emrys
      February 24, 2012 at 11:29 am

      You mean they DON’T? *sob*

      • February 27, 2012 at 2:24 pm

        Another myth shot to hell. Damn, Deb, why did you have to tell us that? LOL

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