Last night my dog Gregory was angry because I wanted to watch the final Presidential debate and wouldn’t let him put on his Scooby-Doo DVD. To get back at me, he peed on the cable box. Sparks flew but the box wasn’t destroyed. As a matter of fact, something amazing happened. I was suddenly able to hear everything President Obama and Mitt Romney were thinking during the debate.
So I would like to share with you the highlights of their thoughts last night:
Romney: Oh, good. The moderator is another old dude I can yell at and not one of them pesky “I want to be able to vote and have control over my own body” women.
Obama: It would be so cool if we could fight each other like they did on American Gladiators. I could wear an outfit with the Stars and Stripes on it. And my gladiator name could be Obomber. Yeah, that’d be sweeeet.
Romney: Check out that split screen. I wonder if we’ll be on the kiss cam.
Obama: Check out that split screen. We should start singing Call Me Maybe. It’d kill on YouTube.
Romney: Oh, yeah? Well, 1970 called and they want…um…they want…dammit!
Obama: Maybe if you weren’t trying to get rid of Sesame Street you could do the math, dumbass.
Romney: Keep saying Ahmadinejad. They’re impressed you can say it correctly.
Obama: Did he say Putin or poopin’?
Romney: Don’t tell me I didn’t want to save the auto industry. I love American cars. Hell, the last time I was in Detroit I bought a brand new Mercedes.
Obama: We’re not only going to have new energy sources, we’re also going to have flying cars. It’s almost 2013. We should have flying cars by now.
Romney: Oh, yeah? Well, the jerk store called and they’re running out of you. No, they’ll know it’s from Seinfeld and I just ripped China for stealing our stuff.
Obama: Enough with the Olympics already. I balanced my checkbook in 2001 but I’m not still bragging about it.
Romney: Oh, yeah? Well, slavery called and…yeah, probably shouldn’t use that.
Obama: I’m feeling so confident right now that tonight may be the night I finally tell Michelle her mom has to move out of the White House.
Romney: I could cut a check and pay off our debt to China the day after I’m elected. Whaddaya say, America?
Obama: I’m so going to start a band called Crippling Sanctions.
Romney: I miss Jeremy.
Obama: Hello, Cleveland, we are Crippling Sanctions!
Romney: What’s the name of the lady we made up for the heart tugging story that makes me look like I actually give a shit about poor people?
Obama: When I went to your site to see your economic plan, it was just a game of Angry Birds with the birds knocking off a pile of money with the word “debt” on it.
Romney: Should I say crying or weeping? Or bawling? No, that’s overkill. Go with weeping.
Obama: Why don’t you invade China and confiscate their Valves of Mass Destruction?…Dick.
Romney: Oh, yeah? Well, the 1960’s called and…ah…forget it.
Obama: Yeah, you airbrush history more than Kim Kardashian.
Boca Raton Audience: That was the worst episode of Golden Girls ever.
6 thoughts on “What The Candidates Were Thinking During The Final Debate”
OMG! This is sooooooo much better than the actual debate. Too funny. And can you send your dog over to pee on my cable box so I can hear the crumbsnatchers thoughts when they are lying to me about why this missed curfew?
Thanks, Cheri! You don’t need Gregory to pee on your cable box. He can do his Bichon Torture Technique to make them talk.
I know I have been promoting this but forgot to comment. I just LOVED this!
Romney spent a lot of his foreign policy discussion saying that he would do the same thing as Obama, but it would, of course, be better (or louder, according to Obama)!
And louder is always better.
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