Last night my dog Gregory was angry because I wanted to watch the final Presidential debate and wouldn’t let him put on his Scooby-Doo DVD. To get back at me, he peed on the cable box. Sparks flew but the box wasn’t destroyed. As a matter of fact, something amazing happened. I was suddenly able to hear everything President Obama and Mitt Romney were thinking during the debate.
So I would like to share with you the highlights of their thoughts last night:
Romney: Oh, good. The moderator is another old dude I can yell at and not one of them pesky “I want to be able to vote and have control over my own body” women.
Obama: It would be so cool if we could fight each other like they did on American Gladiators. I could wear an outfit with the Stars and Stripes on it. And my gladiator name could be Obomber. Yeah, that’d be sweeeet.
Romney: Check out that split screen. I wonder if we’ll be on the kiss cam.
Obama: Check out that split screen. We should start singing Call Me Maybe. It’d kill on YouTube.
Romney: Oh, yeah? Well, 1970 called and they want…um…they want…dammit!
Obama: Maybe if you weren’t trying to get rid of Sesame Street you could do the math, dumbass.
Romney: Keep saying Ahmadinejad. They’re impressed you can say it correctly.
Obama: Did he say Putin or poopin’?
Romney: Don’t tell me I didn’t want to save the auto industry. I love American cars. Hell, the last time I was in Detroit I bought a brand new Mercedes.
Obama: We’re not only going to have new energy sources, we’re also going to have flying cars. It’s almost 2013. We should have flying cars by now.
Romney: Oh, yeah? Well, the jerk store called and they’re running out of you. No, they’ll know it’s from Seinfeld and I just ripped China for stealing our stuff.
Obama: Enough with the Olympics already. I balanced my checkbook in 2001 but I’m not still bragging about it.
Romney: Oh, yeah? Well, slavery called and…yeah, probably shouldn’t use that.
Obama: I’m feeling so confident right now that tonight may be the night I finally tell Michelle her mom has to move out of the White House.
Romney: I could cut a check and pay off our debt to China the day after I’m elected. Whaddaya say, America?
Obama: I’m so going to start a band called Crippling Sanctions.
Romney: I miss Jeremy.
Obama: Hello, Cleveland, we are Crippling Sanctions!
Romney: What’s the name of the lady we made up for the heart tugging story that makes me look like I actually give a shit about poor people?
Obama: When I went to your site to see your economic plan, it was just a game of Angry Birds with the birds knocking off a pile of money with the word “debt” on it.
Romney: Should I say crying or weeping? Or bawling? No, that’s overkill. Go with weeping.
Obama: Why don’t you invade China and confiscate their Valves of Mass Destruction?…Dick.
Romney: Oh, yeah? Well, the 1960’s called and…ah…forget it.
Obama: Yeah, you airbrush history more than Kim Kardashian.
Boca Raton Audience: That was the worst episode of Golden Girls ever.