I have been talking to fellow HumorOutcasts.com writer Deb Martin Webster about our future Mega Million Dollar Lottery Win. I am happy to report that Deb is on board for sharing the Mega fortunes no matter which one of us has the winning ticket. However, while we can name dozens and dozens of people to whom we will give money WHEN we cash the prize money, we have compiled a short list of those who will not see one red cent. This, is that list:
Millionaires: I am sorry but if you have millions already, don’t come to us with your hand out. This also includes people who were millionaires but lost their riches. While we will pity you and your misfortune, we think it’s only fair that others get a chance at experiencing that “I don’t care about the monthly bills” feeling.
Politicians: We will not give a dime to politicians or their campaigns from our lottery winnings. Why? Because it doesn’t matter what party you are in, you will screw it up and waste it on something stupid like a $400 toilet seat for the Senate bathrooms or worse, making Rick Santorum look electable.
The Mob Wives Reality Show Stars (this is mine): I understand these women are in pain. Their husbands are in jail or about to go to jail and they have no visible means of support. However, they all have huge homes with granite countertop kitchens and they drip in diamonds, so someone has money somewhere. In truth, I would feel a bit of sympathy for them if they didn’t open their mouths, but their plastic surgery, puffed up lips makes me not care what the hell happens to them and they give Staten Island a bad name. Wow! Apparently, I needed to vent on these women. Yea, no money for them.
Anyone who says that God told them that I should give them money or God said that I will go to heaven because I gave them money or anyone who uses religion to intimidate or promote bigotry: Okay, so that is pretty much all the Red states and maybe some Blue ones too. It might be the entire country. I think this means we might only be able to give to Canadians.
People who think they are judge, jury and executioner on social media: Again, everyone is eliminated except for Canadians.
Anyone from high school who made fun of us: We are not grudge holders but it would be fun to have this last laugh and let them see who are now the “cool” ones.
Ex-boyfriends, lovers or significant others (this is predominantly Deb): You screwed up and now we think it’s best that you all know just how much you freaking screwed up. At this point, Deb might want to wave the winning ticket in front of some faces and scream “IT’S ALL MINE.” You should just be prepared; it might not be pretty.
Anyone who works at the DMV: Evil lives and it lives at the Driver’s license renewal and photo department.
Inconsiderate people: This category includes everyone from the person who has 30 items in the express lane to the idiot at the toll booth during rush hour who waits until the last minute to merge from the EZ pass lane to the money lane because he hasn’t realized he doesn’t have EZ pass thus causing both the EZ pass lane and the money lane to come to a dead stop. This person should not only NOT get our lottery money, but he or she should be eligible for the death penalty.