World Maladies Up During Olympics

A 32-year long study has come to the conclusion that incidences of assault, rape, murder, genocide, drought, pestilence, and natural disasters in general has consistently reached higher levels during the Olympic games. The only reasonable explanation for such a consistent periodic increase in noxious activities across the board is that God really is thoroughly invested in the Olympics, as many athletes have vocally maintained.

With the tightly packed schedules of the modern Olympic games, often with the tape delays and multiple channels, it’s easy for mortals to get behind on their sleep and neglect their usual duties. The Supreme Being appears to be no different and God, according to the data, appears to be habitually letting terrible occurrences slip through the cracks.

While an average 32% increase in unpleasantries was charted during the summer Olympics, only a 19% increase was seen during the winter Olympics, leaving many to conclude that God is just a lot more interested in swimming, gymnastics, and track&field vs. whatever they do in the winter Olympics.

Further data showed that when the actual results of the games were examined, God generally conferred success on those athletes with freakish physical skills and those who had the best coaches and facilities, and who put in the most work.

Front runner.

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