Silliman on Sports
By Stan Silliman
ZOMBIE LINCOLN, A GOOD SPORT
On February 12th, 2013, guess what I did? Yeah, you’re right, I went to Springfield, Illinois with a bunch of reporters to interview the great man on his birthday – Zombie Lincoln – and it might have been the single best reporter moment in my life. I went there to ask what he thought about sports, something I’m sure he’d not even considered.
Okay, I’ll back up a bit. You know the December 22nd, 2012, Mayan predicted zombie apocalypse day? We’ll yes and no. Yes, the earth got shook up a bit, zombies started rising but, no, they didn’t want to eat us. We had enough pig and cow brains to go around. Turns out they just wanted to see what had transpired since they’ve been away. They were curious old codgers, some way too tired from digging themselves up to even chase us. When we started showing them color television and IPhones, it about blew their minds, what they had left of them. Lincoln was being brought up to date and even offered to give advice to Obama. Although we hear Lincoln was shocked to find our first black president was a Democrat.
S.O.S.: Mr. President, I’m sure you’ve had a chance to see the moving pictures on the magic box and I’m told you’ve even watched some of our games, sporting events. These are things I’d like to ask you about.
Zombie Lincoln: I did see such a thing. I watched gladiators play in something called the Rose Bowl. One of the fighting groups was said to be from Lincoln, Nebraska. Can you imagine? In Nebraska territory, they name a town after me. I noted most of the combatants were Negroes. I told the gentleman watching with me that we had freed the slaves and I was most saddened to see them being used as gladiators.
S.O.S.: Those were football players, Sir.
Z.L.: Yes, he explained that to me, said they were not slaves at all… and they rather enjoyed ramming their heads against one another. I then asked him how much these young men were being paid to damage each other like they were. To which he then explained they did it for no pay, just room and board and the opportunity to learn. He then retracted that statement and said they did get paid if they went to Ohio State. I didn’t get that one but I could tell it brought considerable amusement to my companion. Sounds like some sort of slavery to me.
S.O.S.: Did you have the opportunity to watch the game we call basketball?
Z.L.: Yes, I did. And I must say that game was invented one hundred years too late. I might have been quite skilled at that game. It appears the taller gentlemen have a distinct advantage in putting the ball through the web thing.
S.O.S.: That’s a basket, Sir.
Z.L.: No, that is not a basket. I’m aware of a basket… do you mind handing me that basket of cow brains? This is a basket. My friend Thaddeus is going to open up a chain of cow brain restaurants. If you can buy stock in them, be advised to do so. New clientele emerging every day.
S.O.S.: Thank you, sir. I’ll look into that. I see they’re bringing a limousine for you. Do you know the brand?
Z.L.: The horseless carriage? I’m told it’s the best they make, a Lincoln. It seems I can’t get away from me. Also on the game you mentioned, it appears every player has a president’s name. Is that a requirement?
S.O.S.: No sir, it just happens Washington, Jefferson, Monroe and Jackson are really good players.
Z.L.: I’ve also been shown a game called Baseball. You hit a ball with a piece of wood and then run in a square pattern. This is a confusing game. I’m told it’s good to be a Yankee but then all the players have Spanish names.
When I return, you will have to explain that to me.