A New Role For The Penny

Like most people, I’ve got a dish filled with useless pennies. They serve little purpose in my life. And for the government, they’re a money-losing proposition. I thought of this the other day as I read a New York Times article about how the CIA surreptitiously delivers millions of dollars to the office of Afghan President Hamid Karzai. Apparently, wads of off-the-books cash appear monthly in his office in suitcases and backpacks.

Not surprisingly, the bribes have failed to obtain the influence the CIA seeks. Mostly, it fuels corruption and empowers warlords. According to the article, Karzai’s willingness to defy American interests has actually grown as the cash has piled up.

Need proof of this? Consider the fact that Karzai still refuses to trade in that furry, cone-shaped hat he wears for a Yankees baseball cap.

Well there’s a way to get rid of our useless pennies and get Karzai on board. We start paying him in pennies (we’ll call the program “Pennies For Puppets”) and tell him that we’re only reverting back to cash once he starts behaving. This penny diplomacy would yield immediate results for a number of reasons:

* Once enough family members throw out their backs trying to lift heavy sacks of coins, they’ll start pushing their Sugar Daddy to shape up.

* You wouldn’t dare pay for a dime-bag with a thousand pennies. Your dealer would go ballistic. So picture Karzai’s brother (the one suspected of ties to the opium trade) trying to arrange a mega drug shipment in pennies. Not good.

* According to the article, much of the cash goes to keeping warlords in line. One guy reportedly gets $100k per month to not fight (funny how an Afghan warlord has better job security than an American teacher). I’m no expert, but I’d imagine that warlords don’t do pennies.

* Remember those little paper tubes you’d use to gather pennies into groups of 50? Remember how one coin would always turn sideways and you’d have to dump it out and start all over? One week of doing that 24-7 and Karzai’s office staff would revolt.

I guess I’m wrong. The penny is still good for something.

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