A Very Foreign Exchange

austen

Fury erupted recently when the Bank Of England proposed putting Jane Austen’s image on the back of the 10-pound note, thereby replacing Charles Darwin’s image. Angry dudes on Twitter unleashed vicious threats at the woman organizing the push for Jane’s addition. They even threatened to bomb female journalists. Which begs the question: How do you become so insecure that your manhood is challenged by a banknote?

What these guys lacked in pride, they made up for with prejudice. Here’s a male-centered currency-image they might like: Have a drawing of Tony Blair on all fours with a leash going around his neck and up out of sight. That would honor Blair’s historical role as George Bush’s poodle during the invasion of Iraq.

This got me thinking about American currency. It lacks women on any of its bills. Sure, there’s been a few coins, but no bills. There are many women who’ve made important historical and cultural contributions, so we should replace slave-owning Jefferson on the two-dollar bill with a woman. Here is my slate of candidates (with their accomplishments):

Harriet Beecher Stowe

Author, abolitionist, and all-around bad-ass. Her 1852 novel Uncle Tom’s Cabin blew away the competing best-seller of the day, On The Maintenance And Preservation Of Wooden Teeth. An obvious first choice; but her opposition to slavery dooms her chances, given the sizeable racist population still lingering in the US. So it’s on to:

Sarah Palin

Sarah gave us faux-victimization as a patriotic rallying cry. But that’s not a unique contribution – Mussolini and others did it years ago. No, Sarah’s contribution is creation of the phrase “The Real America” to describe the type of towns where 2% of the population lives. Bonus feature: The words “In God We Trust” could be replaced with “You Betcha’”. Granted, this is a controversial pick, so let’s add:

Sydney Leathers

Don’t be fooled – Anthony Weiner’s nemesis isn’t just a small town girl, living in a lonely world, taking the midnight train going anywhere. No, she’s the post-feminist response to womens’ rights advocate Susan B. Anthony. Bold and cunning, she’s proving that Phd’s are for women who want to flip burgers for 8 bucks and hour. Sydney is changing the definition of “success.” She’s making bank through media interviews, a sex tape, and now a deal modeling leather skirts for Apparel NY. Next up – filming a lucrative public information campaign teaching married congressmen how to avoid the allure of sexting.

The phone banks are open. Your input on this issue is welcomed. Unless, of course, it’s a death threat. Those should be sent to yourself.

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