A Wal-Mart Thanksgiving

In an effort to thin out the Black Friday riots, big national chain stores are planning again to start on Thanksgiving Day instead. Wal-Mart is even going to launch the madness two hours earlier than last year because, by gum, it’s not going to be a wuss when it comes to one-upping the competition.

Read all about it here: NBC News Report

The problem with having 6:00 Christmas deals on Thanksgiving Day is that it’s liable to interfere with Thanksgiving dinner in many households.

To attract and cater to obsessive shoppers who are determined to step over bodies in order to be the first ones to sail up store aisles and stuff shopping carts, I propose bringing Thanksgiving dinner to the stores.

So, all you executives at Wal-Mart (and Target, Best Buy, Toys ‘R Us, etc.), listen up.

Hire some teenagers to stand at measured intervals in every aisle. They’ll work really cheap and be thrilled about it. One will be holding a plate of turkey; the next one will have the stuffing; the third one will have cranberry sauce; and the last one will have candied yams. They will be equipped with those long toothpick thingies that caterers use to hold sandwiches together.

Shoppers passing by can open their mouths and have pieces of turkey shoved into them while simultaneously elbowing and kicking the other shoppers and throwing things into their carts. When they get to the kid with the stuffing, they get a mouthful of that. And so on, and so forth. Anyone can get seconds or thirds just by going up or down other aisles. Everybody gets a piece of pumpkin pie when they reach the register line.

Free packs of Tums should be available at all exit doors.

Is this the marketing idea of the century, or what?

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8 thoughts on “A Wal-Mart Thanksgiving”

  1. Are you sure you were never in marketing Kathy Minicozzi because that is a damn sweet idea.

  2. Dude, this is visionary. Picture a long holiday table and everything being used to serve customers their holiday meal(plates, bowls, etc.) has a price tag on it. You’re onto something here.

    1. Please feel free to improve on my idea as much as you like. All I ask is that you give me credit if the idea works and leave me out of it if it bombs. 😉

  3. Great idea! I’ve never shopped on Black Friday, but this might change my rules.

    Could one of the teenagers serve candied yams with burned marshmallows? When I was growing up, that was the only way we knew dinner was ready.

    1. Of course! Candied yams on Thanksgiving absolutely must have those little burnt marshmallows, or something just isn’t right.

  4. Under no circumstances am I going to any of these places on Thanksgiving Day — the madness has to stop.

    Of course, I don’t go shopping on Black Friday, so it’s not like they’re going to miss me.

    1. Black Friday is good for recuperating from the Thanksgiving Day celebrations.

      I prefer not to leave the house that day if I can help it. 😀

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