An Army Of One

The Pentagon recently announced that it would lift the ban on women serving in combat. As with anything hinting at equality, prominent conservatives are freaking out. They’re now making claims that this development “defies God’s will” or will make the military “less effective”. But this is just a smokescreen to hide their real fears.

What conservatives really fear is the reality that women do most jobs better than men (who, to borrow a movie line, are just “dicks dragging around a body”). Women like Hillary Clinton or Condi Rice are far better diplomats than John “Got Milk?” Bolton. Women governors are far saner and less controversial than guys like Rick “Bat Boy” Scott. And women far excel in sexy Super Bowl ads (when was the last time you saw a guy in a mono-kini leaning over an engine with a can on Penzoil?)

Simply put, dudes are losing their dominance in all fields. And the military is next.

Need more proof? A recent news article revealed that a group of male German soldiers are experiencing a bizarre health ailment – they’re growing breasts, but only one. This condition is called one-sided gynecomastia (named after a Romanian gymnast) and is caused by a drill in which soldiers slap their rifle against the left side of their chest. This action stimulates hormones on that side of the body, causing a left boob to develop.

These German soldiers are part of a ceremonial unit that drills at major events. Basically, their unit is what you join if you can’t get into the German military’s marching band. But, when combined with lifting the ban on women in combat, this gynecomastia thing is a god-send for these guys. On their off-time the Germans can practice their drills by slapping their rifles against their right sides. Once they’ve grown a right boob, they can now immigrate to America, join a fighting unit in the military, and see some real action.

The US Army used to have a recruiting slogan: “Army Of One”. We used to think it was a statement about unity. Now we know the truth — it was a plea for help, asking the uni-boobed Germans to help us fight these wars we keep losing.

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