Ask Kathy

In case you are wondering, I was inspired to try this by comments made by a couple of my fellow HumorOutcasts writers. I won’t embarrass them by naming them here. They probably know who they are, anyway.

Q. My boyfriend refuses to take me to Paris for the weekend. It isn’t a matter of money, because he’s filthy rich. He says his wife wants him at home. This just isn’t fair. She wants him all the time and never lets him go anywhere with any other female. I’m only asking for one lousy weekend in the City of Lights. She won’t even have to be around. When I called her up to ask her, very nicely, if I could just have him for two days, she threatened to come to my apartment with a loaded shotgun and use it on my face. All of my friends say she is being a selfish bitch. What do you say?

A. Most wives want their husbands around “all the time.” They seem to think it’s part of being married to someone. Obviously, your boyfriend is no Ward Cleaver, and his wife knows this. This could be why she is keeping him on a short leash. She might even be having him watched. I hope for your sake that you look good in compromising photographs.

She went a bit far when she threatened to shoot you in the face with a shotgun. A shotgun makes a big mess, and even if you survived, which is doubtful, you would have quite a plastic surgeon bill to contend with.

My advice to you is to leave this alone and go out and find a man who is unattached. It will greatly increase your chances of survival into next year.