Attention Investors: Awesome Entreprenurial Opportunity | HumorOutcasts

Attention Investors: Awesome Entreprenurial Opportunity

September 27, 2013

I was recently talking on the phone with a friend. We were both quite excited about the new bike carrier he’d bought for his car. Yes, my world is that big.

“Best of all,” my friend said with a laugh, “it’s got a bottle opener.”

Have you noticed this trend toward attaching bottle-openers to consumer items? You find them on key chains. They’re built into the soles of some shoes and flip-flops. I think they’re even attached to certain tool boxes, a truly bad idea.

But one place you don’t see openers is in products targeting seniors, a group set to explode (figuratively, not literally, relax). In addition to being discriminatory, this is dumb. Seniors have far more time to drink than the rest of us – they’re not heaving a bike down from a car-roof and wasting time on a stupid bike ride. In addition, they’re more prone to forgetting where they left a stand-alone bottle opener.

So, many products could have a built-in bottle-opener. But I know the most convenient one:


Think about it — you could easily misplace a photo album/bottle opener or a garage door/bottle opener, but you’d never misplace your dentures. The stakes are too high. So, we just build the opener into the backside of the upper front teeth. Never again will Gramps say “Now where did I leave that opener?”

Right now you’re thinking “But what about the cap, dumbass? Grandpa will swallow it and choke!”. I knew you’d ask that, so the opener will be magnetized.

Theoretically, you could lose your dentures, like my Mom’s friend did in France. She drank too much wine and later watched her top teeth disappear down a toilet bowl. But that’s an anomaly (and it was the waiter’s fault.)

This is a total winner.

Thomas Sullivan

Thomas Sullivan is the author of So Much Time, So Little Change (a book of essays published by Wayman Publishing). It is available at Amazon in print and Kindle. Thomas lives in Seattle.

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4 Responses to Attention Investors: Awesome Entreprenurial Opportunity

  1. September 27, 2013 at 7:09 pm

    I swear; someone needs to give you a few million bucks for your ideas. If you help me sell a lot of books, I will hand it over to you myself. 🙂

  2. September 27, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    Whatever happened to the twist-off cap?!

  3. Bill Y Ledden
    September 27, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Where can Bill Y get a pair of these shoes with bottle-openers in the soles? They would be an ideal pressy for Thirsty Dave.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      September 27, 2013 at 3:23 pm

      I prefer cans with pull-tabs myself. They make such a satisfying noise.

      It takes very little to amuse me.

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