Aunt Lois Curls Her Lip

By: Maegan Tintari

DO NOT — USE WHILE SLEEPING.  This is the warning I found on the new curling iron my daughter bought last week.   Now when I saw that, I have to admit I felt a little sick.  I mean, if I counted all the times I’ve tried to catch a power nap while curling my hair with a blazing hot metal appliance, you wouldn’t believe me.  Why had no one told me this before?  It made me wonder about all the other things that should probably have warnings about using them while sleeping.  Like nail guns.  Or meat grinders.  Or oil tankers.

And what else did they forget to warn us about all these years? “CAUTION: Do not grill hand grenades in a barn full of dynamite.” What kind of negligent  bastard left that label off your bag of charcoal? Thank God for the lawyers at the curling iron company who are looking out for us. I’m tempted to write them a thank you note. It would read something like this: “Dear Curling Iron People, Thank you for your concern. After reading your label, I promise I will never use your product while sleeping again. Feel free to write back, but please do not to use a pen while sleeping. You might poke out your eye. Sincerely, Lois.”

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