Anyone who knows Philly knows families live near each other, bunched together like little ant farms. My Aunt Lois, in fact, lives the next block over, and I can usually find her on the stoop in her slippers, smoking and yelling at someone walking by. She has a lot to say, my Aunt Lois. A lot of life lessons. So to get her to promise not to holler them down the block at me, I agreed to post them for her. She “dictates” them (which means she lectures my cousin Julia while she makes sure I take notes). So far, it seems to be working, and my neighbors are still speaking to me. So with that, I give you . . .
Aunt Lois’ Guide to Life, Volume 1
Someone please explain to me why people put those stupid stickers on their cars. You know, the stick-figures holding golf clubs or soccer balls or martinis or whatever? Are they hoping strangers will strike up a conversation at the gas station, or what? Do they really think anyone cares where they vacation, or how many kids they have, or whether or not they hate themselves enough to run a marathon? Ha.
What people should stick on cars is the driver’s IQ. In big, neon numbers. Then I’d know to get away from the idiot who’s going to dig for change under the floor mat at the toll plaza, or the moron in the orange hatchback who brakes for no reason and causes a thirty car pileup when I need to get to the Big Lot for a sale on support hose.
I notice these stickers are mostly on minivans. I think they’re like badges of misery for the housewives, like being miserable’s a competition now they’re too old to play field hockey or something. Here’s what I think they mean:
1-3 stickers: I wish I had a career, and this minivan is kind of embarrassing.
4-6 stickers: My children are disappointing, and I may have married beneath me.
7-10 stickers: I’m not having sex anymore, my husband says I need liposuction, and my brain has shrunken to the size of a walnut.
Only things that belong on a car are mud and bird shit. Although I’m no fan of those either, come to think of it.
Aunt Lois is my kind of people.
Thanks! Drop in on her anytime!
The IQ sticker is a great idea.
I agree! People with sticker family decals on their vehicles make me want to add a psychiatrist stick figure to their family making the coo-coo gesture,lol.
Amen! Or maybe slip another kid in there when they’re not looking and try to imagine the dinner table conversation when someone finally notices . . . 🙂