Boner of Sedition, Boehner of my Existence.

Dear Bones

I’m sorry. I mean, what’s a guy to do when being held hostage by lunatics? First you let them run riot and you want Bamz to pull your creamsicle ass out of the fire and give you something – anything – that will allow the insaniacs to save face. If you can get to declare a victory, even if it’s only a tiny one, all of you will magically become grownups and start doing the responsible thing, right? LOL ROTFL or whatever. Tell me another one, Bones, and while you’re at it, realize that you are the one who fucked yourself over by refusing to be a brave patriot, and President Obama is under no obligation to help someone who will only turn around and attempt to use it against him.

Bones, you need to come to grips with the fact that you are a giant loser. Your speakership is already gone in one way or another. When you reach the stage of acceptance, maybe you will take take collect the pieces of your dignity stewn all over the House floor and do the right thing. You are putting your sad old party’s entire majority at risk, which is saying something considering they’ve tried to gerrymander themselves into a semi-permanent House majority.

Look, Bones, you look relatively sane and normal. Look around you. My God, man, at least a third of House Republicans could get reelected even if they got their faces tattooed with swastikas en masse and showed up to work in orange jumpsuits blaming Barbaro the dead horse for the nation’s problems. The magic of gerrymandering, people. It’s not clear how far you intend to ride the wave of bullshit; the hope among the “business wing” of the Republicans seems to be that teabaggers’ “victory” in bringing government to a standstill over the budget will get the exorcist head spinning and spewing out of their system. LOL. These guys – your base – have endless reserves of rage. Even so, we’d like to think that some kind of token concession — how about repealing the tax on tanning beds and booze? — might be enough face-saving to get a debt ceiling deal.

The alternate world you choose to inhabit is a laughing stock. Your party is convinced they’re a growing majority and won the last election. In fact the only reason they aren’t bigger is because “people don’t really know what their goals are” (hint, we do, they’re terrible). They’re convinced Bamz stole both elections—and failing that, Van Jones started the Occupy movement to save the 2012 elections. Oh—and they are still yapping about ACORN (yes, really).

Ok, offer: we scrap Obamacare as soon as every elected Republican in this country steps down and agrees to never run for office again. Consider it your legacy of saving the country from Obamacare or better yet the world from Republican party. If you care so much this is the least you would do. We can’t think of a nicer guy to fall on his sword for the sake of not imploding the economy.

Best wishes for a happy holiday season,

– Kara Elyse Vallow, American Patriot