We’ve all seen it happen: A train wreck of a marriage, headed down a one-way track to Miseryville, with a small layover at Domestic Violence, USA.
Whether it’s family, friends, or the librarian we’ve befriended in an effort to reverse erroneous late fees, most of us have witnessed the marriage of two people who should probably just honor the restraining orders and keep their distance.
The worst part is when you’re in the wedding party, and asked to give a speech and toast the couple at the reception.
Actually, that’s not the worst part. The worst part is going with the bride to have warts removed from her bikini line.
It’s hard to know what to say to a couple you neither like nor support. However, because I’m good to you, my dear readers, and because I’ve been in this situation before, I’ve decided to offer advice on how to write a speech when you don’t care for the couple getting married.
These recommendations are fool-proof and have worked at dozens of weddings over the years.**DISCLAIMER: I have no idea if these actually worked, as I was always too drunk to remember. However, my memories of the times I followed these rules are glorious, so I can only assume this advice is gold. Isn’t it always?
Focus on yourself
If it’s a traditional wedding, it’s been about them long enough. From the showers to the bachelorette party to the weekend wedding festivities, it’s time to remind them they aren’t special.
After all, they’re just like everyone else, and after their wedding day, no one will care about their love, or about the lame Christmas ornament they gave as a wedding favor.
(Side note: What’s the deal with giving Christmas ornaments as a wedding favor? Because every year people want to commemorate the day you two a-holes got married and had a party where only bottom shelf liquor was served? Yeah, right. Dumbest. Gift. Ever.)
Get over yourself, Mr. and Mrs. It’s time to talk about someone else.
This tactic is a sure-fire way to make the night less awkward.
Spill some secrets, but don’t spill your drink
Now is the time to force the couple to come clean of their dirty secrets.
How can they start a life together of subpar happiness if they don’t get all of their secrets out on the table?
Please note you can literally put their secrets out on the table.
This is the perfect time to present any evidence you have of those things they’d rather keep hidden forever.
If only Great Aunt Bessie believed in keeping things hidden forever, we wouldn’t have to stare at her liver-spotted breasts the entire evening.
The maid of honor/best man speech is the time to inform the bride and groom of things they may not know about each other, or about what the other has done.
If you ever made out with the bride or groom (or both), this is the time to discuss it in detail. It clears the air so the couple can start off their marriage on the right foot.
Hopefully that foot won’t be up your ass.
Maybe it’s a more private secret one of them doesn’t want revealed. For instance, does the bride have a drinking problem, downing bottles of mouthwash to hide her addiction while simultaneously getting buzzed and freshening her breath? Now’s the time to point that out.
How is the couple going to grow together if you don’t let these things out in the open?
FYI: Pictures help your credibility, so make sure you have those ready for documentation purposes.
Expose the flaws of the couple
If they’re going to spend their lives together, they need to know their flaws as a couple. This will prevent issues and problems arising down the road in their marriage.
Do you really want to waste all the money you spent on a hideous bridesmaid dress, a bachelorette party at Worlds of Fun and the sah-weet blender you bought them?
(Well, you could take the blender back but the third-degree burn scar from the malfunctioning roller coaster at Worlds of Fun will be with you forever.)
The reception speech is the best time to bring up the couple’s sexual incompatibility. From his obsession of incorporating choo choo trains into their love-making, to her requirement she violate him with a spatula, now is the time to talk through these issues.
It’s best to do it out in the open.
Ironically, out in the open is their favorite place for coitus. Again, something to discuss.
NOTE: Only expose flaws of the couple. DO NOT expose yourself. That comes at the afterparty.
It may be awkward at first, but the audience will come around. They always come around.
If not, lay on the profanity harder. It’s a guaranteed charmer.
Vulgarity always works. It f*cking always works.
Get the crowd involved
You don’t have to crowd surf, but make the audience feel like they’re part of it.
Send the microphone around the room to the drunkest of guests, and ask for their words of wisdom.
This always stimulates conversation.
It also always sparks a fist fight of some sort, which is just another way to make the reception memorable.
If not, there’s always the police reports to document the assaults and good cheer.
I guess that’s all I have for now. I could give more tips but I doubt you want the speech to go on for longer than 25 minutes.
Anything longer than that is just annoying. Anything less than that is a slap in the face to the couple.
Which reminds me, slapping the couple in the face is a good icebreaker and a great way to start your speech.