A guy named Chris Hansen has been tagged as a predator. Ironic, it seems… and perfect for Silliman on Sports to do a send up. Enjoy:
Chris Hansen Caught In Arena Scandal
S.O.S: Chris, have a seat behind this hedge. Chris Hansen, we’ve been following your activities and it appears you and your hedge fund has been targeting this very young stock. She may not even be out of puberty.
CH: This is ridiculous. I was just feeling her up… I mean out. We were just exploring… I mean…
S.O.S: Do you mind looking at the cameras, Chris? We have your computer records. Actually, Chris, we’re here to talk about more serious allegations. You know that basketball team in Sacramento you were trying to buy and move to Seattle?
CH: The Kings, of course. I offered $ 625 million for them.
S.O.S: After your offer was nixed by the league, it appears you made a donation to a group rallying against the proposed new arena in Sacramento. Can I offer you a Mento? My daughter once cornered her grade school market on Mentos. You’d be proud. People in California say you broke some laws. They say you funneled a donation to scuttle their arena project through the law firm of Loeb and Loeb.
CH: Well, yeah… but have you seen the ears on those guys?
S.O.S: The Loeb brothers? I haven’t but I heard they had rather long… er… whatever. Anyway, according to the Sacramento Bee, you made a $ 100,000 contribution to STOP, Sacramento Taxpayers Opposed to Pork. We get it, Chris. You’re a bunch of Seattle vegetarians.
CH: I shouldn’t have done that. We know Sacramento is trying to replace their Sleep Train Arena.
S.O.S: Sleep Train? We heard that arena used to get loud. You can’t get loud in a Sleep Train. If they build a new arena, they need to give it a name worthy of rock out loudness, right, Chris?
CH: I’m hoping they don’t build and then they come to Seattle.
S.O.S: No, Chris, sit down again. We told you we had records. Hey, the camera’s over here. Chris, there are those who say you’ve been meddling in another city’s affairs. You’ve been trying to get in Sacramento’s pants, haven’t you Chris?
CH: I resent that. I’m a little touchy-feely, okay. I’m a cuddler, is that so wrong? I got carried away but I would never try to rape Sacramento. I’m not a predator. I’m a hedge fund operator.
S.O.S: If Sacramento taxpayers are willing to subsidize a new arena to the tune of $ 258 million, who are you to say they shouldn’t be able? Why did you try to stop their project?
C.H: Because Oklahoma City stole our basketball team. Seattle had a chance to vote for a new arena and didn’t and then those oil moguls just moved our team away. I figured if the Sacramento voters didn’t get behind a new home, we could swipe it from them. As a good hedge fund trader, I was leveraging our position.
S.O.S: So that’s what the STOP partition and Loeb boys deal was about, you want to copycat Bennett and make sure the locals don’t secure their team? Sounds like you’re trying to adopt tactics of someone you claim not to admire.
C.H: I’m just a young billionaire. Steve Ballmer and I were willing to pay the Maloofs more than that Silicon Valley newbie. We looked at the oilmen from their little city with no mountains and realized maybe they weren’t as dumb as we thought they were. Oh, wait a moment. I’ve said too much, haven’t I? I need to STOP talking. Turn off the cameras. Please.