Confessions of an Internet Shopaholic* | HumorOutcasts

Confessions of an Internet Shopaholic*

August 8, 2013
By

Some people are addicted to video games. Others find Internet porn enticing. Yet others spend a great part of their day on Facebook. I don’t do any of those things. Don’t stop reading yet, though, because I’m just getting to the good part.

My name is Kathy and I am an incurable online shopper. Give me a credit card and a computer, and I am ready to singlehandedly stimulate the American economy and support several small countries. Two of these have statues of me in their capital cities and another one has declared the song “Hail, Kathy” to be their new national anthem.

I probably look something like this when I discover a cool shopping website:

Actually, I looked more like this forty years ago.

Actually, I looked more like this forty years ago.

Suze Orman recommends keeping within your budget, and your means, when shopping online. I never pay attention to her. Why should I, when OneStopPlus has these really cool Capri pants on sale? I already have three pairs of Capris, but I don’t have any in watermelon red, key lime green, blueberry blue or lemonade yellow, and I really need those to go with the four new tunics I ordered from Avenue last week.

My closets are already overflowing, but some of the other clothes will just have to scoot over and make room for the newcomers.

I quickly add the watermelon red, key lime green and lemonade yellow Capris to my “shopping cart,” but when I go to order the ones in blueberry blue, I find that they don’t have any in my size. At that point, I start to look like this:

This is what I look like with an ice cream headache.

This is what I look like with an ice cream headache.

Desperate to find just the right shade of blue, I spend the next half-hour scouring the website for Capris in that color. I finally settle for some that are twice as expensive as the ones I was originally looking at. The color sucks, but they will match the tunic, which is what counts, anyway. I add them to the shopping cart.

What’s that over on the right side of the screen? The website seems to think I might like a few more items of clothing, including a really super looking denim tunic with big red roses embroidered on it!

To make a long story short, the denim tunic leads to jeans, which lead to denim jackets, which lead to outerwear. By the time I’m finished, my shopping cart includes four pairs of Capris, two denim tunics, three pairs of jeans, one pair of denim leggings, one denim jacket, one linen jacket and a fake rabbit fur coat. Total cost: I’ll think about it when I get my credit card bill.

The next stop in my virtual shopping mall is Overstock.com. This is like browsing through an Odd Lot store, except you are sitting at a computer, and Overstock.com has much better stuff than the usual neighborhood version. I spot a great looking TV entertainment center: the kind that is made of oak wood, with a lot of shelves and spaces and drawers. My eyes glaze over and my body goes right into super-charged covetousness mode, bypassing mild interest and desire. Most of the reviews are 5-star and the price is irresistible. I only stop short and deflate when I read the ominous words “assembly required.” I imagine sitting in my living room with boxes and packing material all over everything, trying to match the right screws to the right holes, spending all afternoon trying to get everything to fit together while deciphering bad instructions written in Chinese English, and ending up with three screws left over, wondering which holes I missed and how long it will take the whole thing to come crashing down in a crumpled heap of slivered wood, bringing my TV set and my whole collection of videos with it. I bookmark the page for later, when I can come back to it with a sadder but wiser head.

After a couple of stops at Target and some site that sells African wood carvings, and buying more stuff from each of them, I am finished with my Internet mall shopping for the time being, and I look like this:

Not happy.  Stoned.

Not happy. Stoned.

Ah, but tomorrow is another day.

*Just so nobody will think I’m plagiarizing, I got the idea for this title from Sophie Kinsella’s Shopaholic series of novels, including Confessions of a Shopaholic. They are drop dead funny, and you can find them on Amazon.com or in your favorite bookstore.

Kathy Minicozzi

Kathy Minicozzi is an opera singer turned aspiring writer, who lives somewhere in New York City. In other words, she's weird, but harmless. She is the author of "Opera for People Who Don't Like It," in which she turns the world of opera and its performers upside down while, at the same time, making it understandable to non-opera lovers and making everyone laugh.

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10 Responses to Confessions of an Internet Shopaholic*

  1. August 9, 2013 at 11:40 pm

    Online shopping is so dangerous. Store closed. The internet doesn’t.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      August 11, 2013 at 12:11 am

      Oh, but that’s what makes it so much fun!

  2. Bill Y Ledden
    August 9, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    Hi Kathy, my name is Bill Y and I am the ruler of 17 Eastern European countries and you can’t buy any of them online. Sorry.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      August 9, 2013 at 8:54 pm

      Okay, but if any of your subjects are selling painted eggs or wooden shoes, tell them to set up websites and I’ll find them.

  3. August 9, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    Wise to never heed the advice of Suzie Orman. She’s scary.

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      August 9, 2013 at 2:25 pm

      All financial advisers are scary to me. 😉

  4. August 9, 2013 at 11:29 am

    I probably shouldn’t introduce you to shopgoodwill.com for your own good but I’m tired of competing with your for laughs on this site. 🙂

    • Kathy Minicozzi
      August 9, 2013 at 2:24 pm

      Wow! This is the first time in my as-yet short writing career that someone has described me as competition! 😀

      It’s great that there are so many really funny writers on this site. We are in great company. I feel flattered to even be included among them.

  5. Kathy Minicozzi
    August 9, 2013 at 9:16 am

    Just call me a humble servant of humanity — especially if I can get stuff at the same time. 😉

  6. August 9, 2013 at 8:05 am

    Look at the bright side, you are doing your bit for the economy!



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