Cutting Off His Best Assets

This is what happens when you don’t think with your head –or at least the right one .  In China, a man depressed about his love life took drastic action to permanently fix his situation. No, he didn’t sign up for porn or  What he did do is cut off his own penis.  Yep, snip, snip and it was gone.

It took him a few seconds to realize the folly of his ways and then he uttered these fateful words (according to a fictitious anonymous source), “Oh crap, I might have made a mistake here.”  So, the level-headed  “victim” drove himself to the hospital to get his penis reattached. But alas, he forgot one important thing: his penis. Apparently, he left it on the coffee table. Yes, in his haste to go for help, he left behind the one thing that mattered most. So, he had to drive all the way back home to retrieve the severed body part.  He found the penis where he left it (luckily the dog didn’t take it) and raced back to the hospital only to be told that too much time had passed and the penis could live no more.

Okay, I have questions:

1. Why did he immediately go to cut off his penis? Did he look at his body and just assume that his penis was the sole reason for his unenergized love life?  Did women say to him, “I would marry you, but that penis has to go”?  I can’t see that happening. My guess is he had some kind of personality flaw that women picked up on such as he couldn’t go anywhere without a butcher knife.  Honestly,  I could see that being a turn off.  Still, if he wanted to make a less severe statement to himself, why not cut off a finger, a toe or even an ear. While nice body parts to have, they are not essential for “performance” if and when the right girl comes along.  Plus, a good  “cut-off-my-finger story” might have  gained him some street cred  which might have attracted a woman looking for a good, bad boy.

By: MilitaryHealth

2. How do you forget to take your penis with you?  Even as a woman imagining myself to be a man, I cannot contemplate this absentmindedness.  Let’s re-trace his steps:  “Oh God, I cut off my penis! Let me take myself to the hospital!”  Then he gets behind the wheel of the car and says, “Do I have everything?  Insurance card?… wallet?… penis?” Who doesn’t take inventory at a time like this?

3. The doctors sent him home to get his penis?  I don’t get this part of the story,  and maybe it was left out, but a guy enters the hospital sans penis hoping to have said penis reattached and everyone realizes the penis is not there. So, instead of sending the police or the missing penis patrol, they send him back home to find the organ?  I understand that we have healthcare problems, but I’m pretty sure, one doesn’t have to leave the emergency room in the US to locate a missing body part.

What can we learn?

I think the main lesson here is not to put sharp knives near essential body parts and more important—visualize first what life would be like without any essential body part before you go willy nilly cutting it off.  I hope this guy can get a fake penis or a transplanted penis.  If not, it really will be difficult for him to live each day or even get up in the morning.


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14 thoughts on “Cutting Off His Best Assets”

  1. I think I can safely say that I have never done this more than twice. You win a thread and a needle if you do it three times!

  2. OMG, I was just about to pitch my new produce on Shark Tank called, The Pocket Penis Holder. For those times when you get the urge to cut off your penis and take it to the hospital to be surgically reattached.

  3. Hospital Person: Sir, I know you are bleeding out and in terrible pain, but you were able to drive here without dying, so we have determined that you can drive back home, walk into your house, pick up your penis and then drive back here again. You should still have some blood left in your system even after that. You wouldn’t want to ride in an ambulance, anyway. They’re so noisy!

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