This week ABC unveiled the cast for this season’s Dancing With The Stars. There’s the guy from that movie. And the girl from that thing. There’s the um…um…she sings or something and her sister was in those movies then that TV show and now she’s getting a divorce. There’s the basketball player. Or maybe he plays football. And I’m guessing one of them is some pimply star of a crappy Disney Channel show your kids watch. There’s the girl with the Dorothy Hamill haircut. Oh, wait, that is Dorothy Hamill.
See that’s the problem with Dancing With The Stars. They use that word “stars” way too loosely. We’re talking Grand Canyon meets gigantic meteor hitting Russia loosely. (By the way, how messed up was that? Did anyone else think at first it was an awesome teaser for Armageddon II or was it just me?) You can’t place if you recognize someone on the show from some cheesy movie on Lifetime or if they made your latte this morning at Starbucks.
Dancing With The Stars is The Love Boat and Fantasy Island of the 21st Century. When you get the call from your agent that they’re interested in having you on the show, that’s when reality slaps you hard in the nuts. “Ah, shit, really? Is my career there already? I mean I know I made those romantic comedies with Queen Latifah and Dolph Lundgren but I didn’t think things were that bad. I haven’t even put out my sex tape yet.”
I still can’t believe they’re letting Andy Dick on the show. Did they not see the episode of Jimmy Kimmel where he had to be physically removed from the set because he wouldn’t stop touching Ivanka Trump? Only a crazy man would touch Ivanka Trump against her will. Especially since we all know her daddy will unleash that beast from the top of his head to hunt you down and force you to show it your birth certificate as it mauls you to death then combs you over. Andy Dick being on Dancing With The Stars proves the guy will do anything for the chance to grope a woman.
I think ABC needs to face the cold, hard truth that it should be honest with its viewers. Especially as it scrapes the bottom of the celebrity barrel. It’s time to call the show what it is: Dancing With People Who Look Kinda Familiar.