Dealing With Hackers

The New York Times recently reported that Chinese hackers from the People’s Liberation Army have resumed their attacks after a brief pause. These guys aren’t going after small stuff like Girls Gone Wild videos. No, they’re targeting big intellectual property like industrial blueprints and manufacturing plans.

Web sleuths tracking the hackers have managed to figure out the real identities of some of the hackers. One guy they nabbed is named Wang Dong. I don’t mean to be culturally insensitive, but this guy sounds like a real dick.

This thing has gotten really old. We need a fresh new approach to countering state-sponsored hacking. I’ve got three ideas:

The Violent Approach

Officials know that the hacking is coming from a 12-story building near Shanghai. So we send a slew of drone missiles into it. And when the Chinese complain, we play dumb and say “Hey, our bad, we were aiming for those Iranian nuclear sites.”

But no one wants World War Three (well, maybe defense contractors do) so how about trying this:

The Fun Approach

We figure out a way to allow legitimate web traffic from China to flow unimpeded. But we route the suspect traffic to a server hosting nothing but Chinese jokes. So, when a military hacker gains access he sees this:

Q: What did the Chinese cannibal say to his Dad at dinner?

A: “I really don’t like Mom.”

Fun, yes, but probably not punishing or costly enough to force a change in behavior. So how about:

The Mischievous Approach

We fill up the targeted servers with a bunch of flawed blueprints. And then sit back and wait for the defective products to arrive. Imagine the fun when a Chinese airline rolls out a “revolutionary new jetliner” with wings that are the same size as a sparrow’s.

Yup, this is definitely the one. When it works, we can all get drunk and dance around singing “Everybody Wang Dong Tonight!”