Dear Tommy

The great thing about the internet is that it’s filled with people offering unsolicited advice, most of it bad. People like me offer nuggets of “wisdom” in the hopes that you’ll be impressed by what you read and then visit their website and buy something. This is how people end up not vaccinating a child who later gets the mumps and proceeds to infect the entire school.

I say this because I’ve got a bit of advice, but I’m nervous about offering it up. I want readers to know that it doesn’t follow the aforementioned Internet Advice Rule. It’s actually good stuff.

Okay, here it is: if your spouse or partner is getting a DUI, just keep quiet.

An officer in Atlanta recently pulled over a famous actress whose husband was weaving back and forth across the center lane. That’s not hard to do when your blood alcohol content is .139 (driving advice: always stay to the right of whatever set of lines you see, or just take a cab.). According to reports, the actress confronted the cop and said that she didn’t think he was a real police officer.

Not good. This is how you get a citation for a burnt-out license plate light added to the DUI charge.

The actress then asked, “Do you know my name?”

This was the perfect opportunity for the officer to reply, “No, mam, but I don’t watch pornos.”

Fortunately, the officer wasn’t someone who would take advice from the likes of me. He just kept things classy and professional.

I once heard a story about a judge in Connecticut. He got pulled over for speeding in a school zone. After checking the guy’s license and registration, the officer said, “Sir, you were driving twenty miles per hour over the speed limit. I need to issue you a ticket.”

The driver looked over and said, “I’m a judge for the state of Connecticut.”

To which the officer replied, “Your honor, you were driving twenty miles per hour over the speed limit. I need to issue you a ticket.”

Here’s a final bit of advice that’s immune from the Internet Advice Rule: If everyone tells you that you’re special and somehow exempt, don’t believe it. Someday the cops will show up and prove otherwise.