See that picture. Mike Tyson is helping Evander Holyfield promote his new “Real Deal” Bar B Q sauce.
Whoa!? You want to pick yourself off the chair like I did? Where’s the restraining order? If anything, it should be laminated and hanging off Evander’s good ear.
“Speak up, Mike.” I expect Evander to be saying “Don’t be using your squeaky little voice so I’ll let you whisper in my ear. You fooled me once!!”
This isn’t right. Did John forgive Lorena? No!! But yet, Iron Mike claims that he and Holyfield are friends, best friends, at that.
In support of Evander’s Real Deal sauce, Mike tweeted “Holyfield’s ear would have been much better with his Real Deal BBQ sauce. check it out at realdealbbq.com”
No, that’s just WRONG! Okay, now they’re friends. I get that. Helping an old boxing buddy raise money. I get that. But BBQ sauce? That, I don’t get. Mike claims to be a vegan. And vegan enough to open vegan restaurants touting all the goodness and benefits of veganism. You can’t be a vegan restauranteur and then when someone has their ear turned, push BBQ. When Mike was promoting his soon-to-be restaurants I wrote the below story. This is just strange:
IRON MIKE SAYS EAT YOUR M-Fing VEGGIES
“Welcome to ‘Iron Mike’s’. We got veggie soup, brussel sprouts, gluten-and-dairy free cheese cake. Don’t ask for no Tyson’s chicken.”
OK, all right, thanks Mike. I’ll sit down and eat. I won’t even use my leather wallet. When you’re not looking, I’ll go to the restroom and sneak out my credit card. Please don’t eat my children!
Oh, wait. I have no worries because you’re a vegan. Children and hearts are off your diet. Ears, too, I understand. But what if Marv Albert walked in?
“I’m a changed man. The only ears I chomp are corn.”
And you’re teaming up with Moshe Malamud, chairman of the Franklin Mint, to open a chain of high-end Kosher/Vegan restaurants?
“I’m a changed man. New wife, new life, less strife.”
You claim in an article with DETAILS you’ve lost 130 pounds on an eight month vegan diet and that ‘meat’s become a poison to you’. You also claim to have more energy, to be drug free, and that Ali was the biggest smack talker of all time.
And you won’t even eat a candy bar?
“Not even a Baby Ruth. And they were the best.”
OK, all right, thanks Mike. (I’m taking my Baby Ruth and hiding it in my coat pocket. No way I want Mike to think I’m tempting him)
But how about this deal with Malamud?
A Jew and a Muslim working together on a Kosher restaurant? Phillie and New York co-habitating? Cue up Rocky: “Only in America.” Maybe there’s hope for us yet.
So if you go “Rocky” will Mr. T be part of the deal? “I pity the fool that don’t eat tofu.”
So, how about it? Do you want Silliman on Sports to come up with a name for your franchise? Before you go Chairman Mao face tattoo all about my face, hear me out. It’s not my first Rodeo…Frank (soy-turkey, of course… and kosher). We’ve named other enterprises.
How about if we just suggest a few menu items? If you like that we can name your place, OK?
Mike’s Mock Meatloaf. Better than a punch in the gut.
Panache of Faux-Veal Sweetbreads. Better than a sweet punch in the breadbasket.
Braised Toducky Pappandelle. Yo wanna box for that?
Cus D’Amato’s Italian Eggplant Sandwich. Yo gotta problem wit that?
Moshe’s Kosher Avocado Reuben. Be a mensch, munch a Reuben.
Corn niblet pudding. Made with the best ears.
Lime and Leek Borsch. Try it, you’ll like it.
I’m sure you’re excited about those menu items. You’ll be just as giddy about our restaurant names.
Tyson’s No-Chicken. Double meaning, get it? OK, check next.
Vega-Nosh. Says it all and you can weave the letters into a face tattoo logo.
Schlemichious! Makes a kosher-vegan mouth water, right? OK, check next.
Veganimike’s. Pronounced vegan-i-mike’s and it sounds like banana and I’ll expect a bunch of delicious banana and plantain dishes. Yummy? Good?
Better than a punch in the gut? OK, I’ll leave now.