Nearly 96% of all male lions are clinically depressed, says a new study by Fox News’ new biology research wing. Their sadness stems from the fact that their only familial responsibilities include sleeping all day, scratching their privates, occasionally roaring, and having sex with all of the female lions.
It wasn’t always this way. Millenia ago, male lions used to continually roam the plains hunting game, meeting up with friends for lunch, and exaggerating the size of their penis. But over time, hunting responsibility shifted to the females, while the males assumed the mantle of pride protector as threats to their existence became numerous. But once the food chain stabilized, with the lion at the top, there was not much need for protection.
“The word got around that we were lions and we were kind of bad ass. We used to have to take out tons of hyenas to show we meant business. But now just a roar or two, maybe a raised paw, and everyone runs. Even a yawn can send a panic throughout the area. They call us the “king of the jungle” now. Do you see any jungles around here? Whatever. Anyway, nobody bothers us anymore. So there’s not a lot to do.
But this is all quite disturbing. Now we are starting to question our manhood. I mean, what kind of man wants to relax all day, have his food brought directly to him, and have sex with every eligible female in the area. It’s very emasculating. I’m not even sure who I am anymore.”
Biologists are attempting to develop strategies which might pick up the spirits of the male lions. “Maybe some kind of hobby,” says James Sandberg, warden of South Africa’s Kruger National Park. “Perhaps we can train them to assume some manly responsibilities like covering up their dung, telling the females they are pretty, or taking out the carcasses on Tuesdays.”
We caught up with one male lion who wished to remain anonymous but did ask that the complaining male lions “shut their damn gazelle holes”.