Future Research

By: Afrika Force

You know those nasty research projects done using chimps? Some guy with a Phd sits in a secret lab and feeds nothing but Big Mac’s to a chimp. And when the poor creature bloats out and dies, the researcher concludes that fast food is probably also bad for human health.

There’s a good reason we should stop doing this immediately. And it doesn’t have anything to do with compassion. Nope, it’s all about evolution.

IBM recently announced that it has developed a new programming architecture for computer chips. The innovation will allow computers to perceive, think, and act, just like humans do. The company claims that future machines could have brains that are more intelligent than human ones. A quick glance at the Tea Party suggests that this shouldn’t be too hard to pull off.

But back to evolution. Large-scale human evolution is done, but computer technology is advancing in leaps and bounds. The thinking computer/robot is the next stage in the evolution of life. And just as humans surpassed their closest evolutionary predecessor (the chimp), the computer/robot will surpass humans.

So, when the computer/robot needs to do experiments to figure something out, who will they turn to? That’s right – humans.

We’re next.

Someday the computer/robot will start looking for something to replace silicon. It’ll try human blood, fat-tissue, and then find its magic bullet in bone marrow. It’ll be a fascinating series of studies – for the robots. Perhaps they’ll keep scientists with Phds in a cage and cross-breed them to ensure an ample supply of bone marrow. To pass the time, the captives could talk about how they should’ve listened to Moonflower Wildchild after she blew up that lab.

IBM has received a $12 million grant from the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency. Military backing is always encouraging. It makes you feel a lot better, given how well the whole nuclear weapons waste problem has worked out.

I’m all for science. I just don’t want to become part of its experiments.

Share this Post:

4 thoughts on “Future Research”

  1. This is sort of like the Body Snatchers only thing with robots. Frankly, if I could go to the Caribbean and veg out while my robot takes over the tough stuff, I’m okay with it.

  2. It’s all very well creating robots but they’ll never do the unpredictable, stupid things that people do. It’s so cool to be defined by our faults.

Comments are closed.