Goodbye, Crazy Eyes


In a kind of “YOU didn’t break up with me, I broke up with YOU.” situation (we both wanted out, but she left first. Kaa-eyed congress lady Michele Bachmann released a crazy web video announcing that she’s quitting Congress next year.

In a recent 2014 election update, Bachmann was trailing her Democratic challenger for her House seat by two points,  from Public Policy Polling:

The survey…shows Democrat Jim Graves leading Bachmann, a four-term congresswoman and former GOP presidential candidate, 47 percent to 45 percent. The results are within the poll’s 4.4 percentage point margin of error.

For a Republican to lose your seat in Minnesota’s most wacked-out conservative congressional district is pretty fucking humiliating. But it is almost corndog season.

Whether Michele Bachmann will live out her remaining days; disoriented and incoherent courtesy of whatever opiate cocktail her “doctor” gives her for her “migraines”; with a Reality TV Show: Hoarding Foster Children; selling t Mary Kay; starting a SuperPAC, go on the speaking circuit, register as a lobbyist, and make more money than all of my friends combined; replace her eyeballs with mirrors (picture this); run away from Ghey-duh-sota straight into the arms of South Carolina, where she can hike the happy Appalachian Trail with other ‘flexible minded’ conservatives, we know one thing: unless she is found early one morning in a dingy Thai hotel room, a victim of Auto Erotic Asphyxiation, Michele Bachmann will be sucking down a fat congressional pension & benefits to go along with the farm welfare she’s been getting for decades.

Bachmann currently has 2,070,568 good reasons to retire today. That’s how many dollars are being transferred today from her re-election campaign to the OneLPAC, and the CEO will be paid $2,070,568 to run it into the ground. Because, freedumz! On top of that, she will surely collect what pension monies she’s vested in and Social Security benefits. Even with her buddy Paul Ryan doing away with Social Security – Michelle skates in at an age of 57 –  she collects. And who said she was stupid?

FACT: only 30 percent of active workers in the country had defined-benefit plans last year like the one available to lawmakers (remember Michele Bachmann said that 70 cents of every food stamp dollar goes to bureaucrats? Hahahha). As long as they’ve served five years, lawmakers can collect their pensions at age 62. Their annual pension annuities can run up to 80 percent of their final salaries. Michele Bachmann made sure she skated un to the five year mark, at which point (if after 1984), so she qualifies for the Federal Employees’ Retirement System.

Lawmakers also can contribute up to $16,500 every year to a 401(k) retirement plan on a tax-deferred basis, or about 9.5 percent of their pay. Taxpayers match them up to the first 5 percent of a congressman’s or senator’s salary, which has been $174,000 since 2009.  By comparison, the midpoint for defined-benefit pension contributions from state workers — whom some critics have painted as fat cats living off the taxpayer — is 5 percent.

That’s not the only advantage the lazy fucks in Congress enjoy. The accrual rate – a calculation used to determine the rate at which a beneficiary accrues full retirement benefits – is much more generous for federal lawmakers than for most Americans. Most pension plans have a rate of about 1.3 percent to 1.5 percent, according to Labor Department and academic data. Federal employees have an accrual rate of 1 percent for their pensions. BUT, members of Congress enjoy an accrual rate of 1.7 percent. That means they will retire with greater retirement benefits than those who have defined-benefit plans with lower accrual rates. By private-sector standards, it’s unusual that lawmakers get both a defined-benefit plan and a 401(k) retirement match.

On average, Congress’ pension system costs $25 million to $30 million per year. Almost 15,000 federal retirees, including former leaders of Congress, a university president and a banker, are receiving six-figure pensions from a system that faces a $674.2 billion shortfall.

I have seriously considered running for elected office, because, hey, free health care and a salary for not even showing up. When I finally have a nervous breakdown at my job putting 3 television shows on ever Sunday night, I will have no health insurance, no pension, no nuthin’. If I am not eligible because of my closet skeletons, I can alway  make money the Michele Bachmann way – by gaming the state for foster child support and by running psychological counseling that exploits people struggling with their sexual orientation. And if these things bring me any attention, I’ll sell myself out dispensing opinions on the TV news shows, ’cause that’s where the real money is. What do the rest of you shiftless people have planned?

Rick Perry prayed for rain to put out the wildfires God sent, Bachmann prayed for God to repeal Obamacare. because after all, who better to legislate and sign legislation and repeal legislation than the Almighty? I really do wish Jesus would return just so I could see the look on the faces of people like Bachmann when he (Jesus) tells them all to fuck the hell off for being such heartless and cruel assholes, yet acting as if they have a fucking clue of what the hell the guy actually advocated.

I do think that before her second term is officially over, we’re going to see a miracle before our eyes, I believe God is going to answer our prayers and we’ll be freed from the yoke of Obamacare.

Federal Employee Retirement System

Share this Post:

One thought on “Goodbye, Crazy Eyes”

  1. Great piece, learned some things here. Why on earth do they allow the money for reelection given to someone not running again to be shifted like that? Should be returned to donors, or something actually usefull.

Comments are closed.