ARIES: That person whose car you deliberately ram into today because she/he cuts you off in traffic was supposed to be the one true love of your life. That will never happen now, because he/she will hate your guts and sue you down to your underwear.
TAURUS: That hot new employee in Accounting is not into you and never will be. Get over it and go back to your ex. You were wrong, anyway. You’re just too stubborn to admit it.
GEMINI: Being torn between two lovers only works in a song. You’re in big trouble. Get out of town while you still can.
CANCER: Your famous spaghetti sauce is not going to make the object of your affections fall in love with you, even if you do lace it with oysters, hot chilies and asparagus. What it will do is cause an intense stomach ache, requiring emergency room treatment and a stomach pump.
LEO: You’re supposed to tell the object of your affections how great you think she/he is. You are not supposed to sit for twenty minutes bragging about yourself. It doesn’t work that way.
VIRGO: That person to whom you were cold as an iceberg in Siberia just because he/she was five minutes late for your blind date was supposed to be the one true love of your life. This will never happen now, because she/he hates your guts and will go around telling everyone you’re a prig with a big pole up your rear. (See ARIES above. You and your Aries colleagues have little in common, but you have equally effective ways of being obnoxious.)
LIBRA: To you it’s a discussion of alternatives. To your significant other it’s an argument. Your significant other is right. You would do well to learn the difference.
SCORPIO: It’s your own fault you tend to wear your spouse out. Continual and frequent hot, passionate, wild sex takes a lot out of a person.
SAGITTARIUS: You will be honest with your loved one when he/she asks for an assessment of attractiveness. You are advised to wear dark glasses until that black eye heals.
CAPRICORN: No, you are not going to marry into the Royal Family. They have enough problems, anyway, without having you as a relative.
AQUARIUS: You will be all set to marry your soul mate, but will miss out when you can’t remember the way to the church.
PISCES: Your significant other will be very pissed when you suddenly decide you’ve taken enough of the crap that he/she didn’t even realize was being dished out and that you are going to run away to Bora Bora with his/her best friend.