ARIES: You are going to be tossed out of college on your patootie after you call the Dean a pretentious douchebag with a small dick. This will be the first of many idiotic mistakes in your life that will get you into big trouble. Get used to it.
TAURUS: Yes, you earned a B+. No, you do not deserve an A. No, the professor won’t change the grade, no matter how much of a fat royal pest you make of yourself.
GEMINI: Your lucrative business of writing other students’ papers for them will come to an abrupt end when you forget and put your own name on one of them. The upside is that the professor said he would have given the paper an A+ and nominated it for the department’s excellence award. You will take that memory with you as you are expelled from the school.
CANCER: “I wasn’t in the mood and, anyway, what’s the use” is no excuse for skipping a midterm exam.
LEO: You are advised to cut your Sociology class this week (the class where you won’t shut up because you think you know more than the instructor). Ten of your classmates are waiting for you with rope, duct tape and manacles.
VIRGO: Your laptop is secure in its case, along with a steno pad, a mechanical pencil, three ballpoint pens and the textbook. Everything is in its proper place. Your cell phone is fully charged. Too bad you are having a bad hair day. Deal with it.
LIBRA: It is not advisable to register for two classes that take place at exactly the same time, just because you can’t decide which one you want to take. Your name is not Hermione Grainger, and you do not have one of those little time machine thingies. No, Wal-Mart doesn’t sell them.
SCORPIO: “The instructor is smoking hot and likes to have sex with students” is not the best criterion for choosing a class.
SAGITTARIUS: Your idea of a come-on to your Scorpio friend’s smoking hot instructor is “You’re really sexy and I’m going to jump your middle-aged bones right now.” You are advised not to register for that class, and to observe the terms of the restraining order.
CAPRICORN: Yes, your professors all have degrees from fully accredited institutions and most of them have published writings. No, that won’t get you into Who’s Who. Any more questions?
AQUARIUS: You are strongly advised to adhere only to the assigned work in your class. Your biology professor did not appreciate having to replace all those stoned mice last spring.
PISCES: Everybody thinks you’re spaced out, weird and dumb. Little do they know that you are smarter than you pretend you are. People will be shocked when you finally hit them with your hidden genius, and it will be so much fun to watch their eyes bug out and their mouths drop open.