How to Kill Your Kid’s Budding Career

I emailed my friend Ginny to firm up  breakfast plans for next week. She informed me she might have to postpone as she was heading to New York to watch a moot courtroom trial which featured her daughter, a third-year law student.

I was so excited and said,

“Do you know what would make her day?  Wear one of those foam #1 fingers with her name emblazoned on it into the courtroom. I am sure she would be so appreciative of your enthusiastic support.”

Ginny enjoyed that bit of  sarcasm, so as parents, who get a kick out of sometimes embarrassing our children,we decided to come up with more ways in which parents can assist their offspring as they try to maneuver the choppy waters of their budding careers.  To be fair to parents who have children of both genders, we have included ideas for both sons and daughters.

1. Email your daughter’s boss and inform him/her that your daughter is getting too much work,  and she should either get an assistant to help her out or a big raise.

2. Tell your son’s boss that his allergies require him to NOT be in a cubicle within close proximity to other workers. Instead, he should have his own office with a window view so that he can enjoy the benefits of sunlight while working.

3.  Friend all your children’s friends on Facebook – even their work buds and post embarrassing baby pictures.

4. Send your son a parcel at work which contains new Fruit of the Loom tightie whities and tee shirts with a note saying, “Hi Honey, I noticed last time I was at your apartment that your underwear needed replacing.”

5. When daughter has a job interview, give her a step up from the rest of the competition by emailing her potential employer ahead of time to explain why your princess is so “special” and deserving of the job — more than the other loser children.

6. If your daughter is sexually harassed on the job, don’t encourage her to go to HR. Instead, call the creepy co-worker,  disguise your voice and utter these very scary words, “Your days are numbered .”

7. When you are introduced to your  son’s boss, talk about your child’s proficiency at potty training.  Nothing sets one up better for success  than tales of mastering  toilet aiming by  age two.

8. Re-live with your child’s co-workers  every award and trophy your kid got, and be sure to stress how terribly difficult it was to hold back and not boast about having the most gifted child in the world.

9. Show up at your daughter’s office on her birthday with a homemade birthday cake  and the correct number of candles and the newly made DVD of all her birthdays from age one to the present. (a truly dedicated parent will also have the video of her birth on that DVD)

10. When your son is not looking, go into his resume file and add ‘Mom” to the top of his list of references.