I Watched Sarah Palin’s CPAC Speech So You Don’t Have To

“Hello. Jesus. The Constitution. The Military. Benghazi. Teleprompter. Sequester. 2nd Trimester. 2nd Amendment. Thank you.”

Sadly, there’s more. Professional entertainer Sarah Palin’s walk-on music is a song called : “She Is A Mama Grizzly.” Yes, Sarah Palin has her own theme song. I guess the GOP has finally learned how to not get the cease and desist letters when pilfering music by anyone else on the planet.

Palin hasn’t updated her screed since 2009–both lazy and dumb. She rehashes five years of her greatest hits, bashing “elites” and liberals and Barack Obama while praising the Second Amendment and the middle class. She even yet again refers to herself as “a hockey mom.” It really is 2009. Palin hits all the right checkboxes to get this immobile crowd’s scooter engines all revved up: Obama teleprompter jokes, “Gotcha media” jokes, White House tour cancellation jokes, jokes about her sex life and her boobs, Jokes about her running again, gun talk, religion talk, a heartland twang voice, anti-DC trash talk, a Karl Rove swat, “Obamaphones”, following a quotation of Margaret Thatcher by exclaiming “Amen Sistah.” She even plays to the crowd heavily composed of College Republicans, encouraging them to:

“think Sam Adams, not drink Sam Adams.”

Hehe, we know she doesn’t know who Sam Adams is! Apropos of nothing, she invokes Joe Wilson’s apparently ubiquitous “YOU LIE!” with a lip-glossed, self-satisfied sneer. She asks why Barack Obama gives money to terrorists instead of the White House tours. She slags on the cost of college tuition – we forget which party has tried to do something about college tuition? Oh well, we’ll probably never know. Palin, whose family is involved in most reality programs on television, quips:

“We don’t have leadership coming out of Washington, we have reality television.”

Actually, most of Palin’s big disses are well applicable to her. Like this doozy:

More background checks? Dandy idea, Mr. President. Should’ve started with yours”?

Hard to forget that Sarah Palin vetting for veep operation involved a few minutes on the Googler from the McCain campaign staff. Palin then sets up a quite alarming breasts-and-ammo joke by telling the crowd that for Christmas, her husband TODD had bought her a rack to hold guns on the back of her truck. Then comes the sexy punchline:

“He’s got the rifle, I’ve got the rack!”

This sexy talk attracts whoops from the crowd, this turning of gun control into a joke about her tits. The parents in Newtown CT were also presumably laughing their asses off. Well, never mind because here comes the money shot, what we all stayed for.  Sarah Palin reaches out from under the lectern and pulls out a Big Gulp and silently drinks it for a while as the crowd goes wild, before saying,

“Dude it’s just pop.”

This all actually happened. But don’t bother watching it, enduring The Voice is not worth it. What person calls a Big Gulp “pop?” Alaska — the Mississippi of the Midwest? Proving once again that trailer trash is a universal concept. With the Big Gulp gag, Palin is signaling the Big Gulp as the new conservative meme, a vicious swipe at NYC government overreach.  I wasn’t aware that:

– Sarah Palin lived in New York City and was subject to Mayor Bloomberg’s proposed soda regulations.

– Mayor Bloomberg had changed his party affiliation and is now officially a Liberal Democrat and part of the 47%/Taker faction.

– Sarah Palin had changed her mind on STATE’S RIGHTS and the prerogatives of local government to make their own rules independent of Congress and the President.

Whatever! She’s s funny! She stood up for “Liberty Loving Soda Drinkers” by slurping from a Super Big Gulp at the podium! She can quit her job, she can quit her tours, but she just can’t quit her same old jokes. Credit Grifterella for managing to keep a death grip on any petty grudge, valid or otherwise, that she has ever held in her entire life. Sarah Palin tells other people to get over themselves, as they are not Sarah Palin. And – of course – Sarah Palin read her entire fucking stupid hilarious speech from a teleprompter.

Okay, that’s it. Drink a totally legal Big Gulp while you still can, or just drink yourself to death like in Leaving Las Vegas.

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2 thoughts on “I Watched Sarah Palin’s CPAC Speech So You Don’t Have To”

  1. “Sarah Palin reaches out from under the lectern and pulls out a Big Gulp and silently drinks it …”

    Again? First Marco Rubio and now sweet sister Sarah. Could they both be coming down with dry-mouth syndrome? Coincidence or has there been some tonsil tickling been going on between these two?

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