If I Ruled the World | HumorOutcasts

If I Ruled the World

February 27, 2013

Once in a while I like to play God. It’s good for the ego, it’s an instant suicide deterrent and it’s easier than bridge.  It’s also fun to think of myself as a combination Fairy Godmother-Genie-Grand Wizard. I take out my magic wand (conveniently located in the image file of my frontal lobe next to Foods I Like and Hollywood Celebrities) and, after whispering abracadabra, bippety-boppity-boo and such,  I tap my IPhone twice and change Planet Earth into The World Janice Would Prefer to Inhabit.

Here’s what it looks like:

Countries in the Middle East  pledge everlasting cooperation as a blanket of peace descends, McDonald’s closes its 1,400 franchises and U.S. troops pull out.

Guns on every continent  mysteriously disappear, and the NRA hires a private eye to track them down. No one ever sees that stupid jerk again.

Climate change slows, but after the 222nd blizzard/tornado/cyclone, etc. covered by Anderson Cooper at CNN, there is a healing light that rains down for a solid week and eradicates all disease and illness from the face of the globe. For 48 hours, ecstasy reigns, but then a Brooklyn midlifer complains of back pain and, you guessed it, hypochondria becomes the universal mantra.

The Beatles reunite–John and George get a special dispensation from the new pope so they can return from the beyond and meet Ringo and Paul in Yankee Stadium for a major sing-along.  Everyone is baffled as to why they look so old, but especially Baby Boomers, who cry when Paul sings “Yesterday” and keep revving up their hearing aids.

Fundamentalist Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists and Hindus wake up and forget what their religious affiliation is. The atheists and agnostics explain that it’s a miracle, so cool it with the angst. Wars mysteriously stop, and everyone has to tweet just for something to do.

Weight is no longer the national obsession. The President holds an election to vote on a new one. Candidates include hairy moles, grey pubic hairs and E-bay. Smart phones win hands down (ha-ha), but Congress sets a limit on the number of apps any one person can safely upload.

And god rested on the seventh day…….


Janice Arenofsky

I write humor, but also books and serious essays, features and profiles, usually for national venues. I'm a member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists , Humor Writers of America, and the American Society of Journalists and Authors. I live in Arizona, where it's hot, hot, hot (but very dry of course), and I have six dogs and two cats. Oh yes, a husband, too. I blog at https://humorbyarenofsky.blogspot.com/ Come and visit me there or at my website or at Facebook, where I'm The Dysfunctional Family. Got almost 1,000 followers. Join us.

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3 Responses to If I Ruled the World

  1. February 28, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    This sounds a little like Lennon’s “Imagine”. Nice thoughts!

  2. February 28, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    I like this idea of mass fundamentalist amnesia. Fun.

    • February 28, 2013 at 5:21 pm

      Now if only we could encourage the IRS to go with the amnesia thing!

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