I’m Always the Cantaloupe

photo credit: Royalty-free image collection via photopin cc
photo credit: Royalty-free image collection via photopin cc

I don’t like cantaloupe.  Does anyone?

If you are one of the few who actually like cantaloupe, you obviously have horrible taste.  Come to think of it, your bad taste is demonstrated by the fact you read what I write.

photo credit: Xtina L via photopin cc
photo credit: Xtina L via photopin cc

Thanks for that, by the way.

Don’t get me wrong, I like fruit.  One of my favorite snacks is chocolate-covered strawberries, assuming a chef sneaks into my house in the middle of the night and makes them for me.

And what about bananas covered in Nutella?  Yes please.

As you may have guessed from my love of chocolate, I’m no fan of salad.  If I wanted to eat weeds I would go to Amsterdam and at least have a good time with it.

However, I will eat fruit salad, assuming it’s covered in sugar and served with a side of potato salad and hot dogs.  I’m an American, after all.

I know what you’re thinking…”Come on Newlin.  Get to the point of this post.”

photo credit: jillmotts via photopin cc
photo credit: jillmotts via photopin cc

Okay, I’m getting there.  Calm down.  Couldn’t you read the title of this post? I’m the cantaloupe of the fruit salad.

Well, maybe I’m not so much the cantaloupe of the fruit salad, as my life is the cantaloupe.  It’s a melon of sorts.  Or maybe I’m a melon.  I don’t know.  My body looks like a melon.  Maybe I should have thought this post through further before I started typing.

Normally, when I’m somewhere that is serving fruit salad, I’m at the end of the food line.  This is mostly because I’m first in the alcohol line. I have priorities.

By the time I get to the fruit salad, the only thing left is cantaloupe, melon, and a frown on my face.

But isn’t that really a metaphor for my life?  I can’t walk without falling, I can’t eat without spilling, and I can’t talk without making an ass of myself.

But you know what?  Even though I’m the cantaloupe of the fruit salad, I’m okay with that.  A lot of people like cantaloupe.  I may not be everyone’s flavor, but those people are missing out.  I can’t make them like cantaloupe, just like I can’t make myself like Kim Kardashian.

And cantaloupe isn’t too bad when it’s submerged in vodka.  Who knows?  Maybe Kim Kardashian would be better that way too.

photo credit: Natalie P Chan via photopin cc
photo credit: Natalie P Chan via photopin cc
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15 thoughts on “I’m Always the Cantaloupe”

  1. Ok, first let me say this post is ridiculous…in a good way. I had a smile on my face the whole time and when I read that last line I almost spit out my sweet tea! Love it! “And cantaloupe isn’t too bad when it’s submerged in vodka. Who knows? Maybe Kim Kardashian would be better that way too.” I know a few people that would be better off submerged in vodka. HA! pickled Kardashian!
    and BTW how did i miss the memo on chocolate being a fruit!?!

    1. I’m glad you enjoyed this one. It was one of those ones I just typed out a bunch of crap and this came out. More like a stream of consciousness post. Those tend to be my favorites too.

      And chocolate is TOTALLY a fruit. Um, hello? Antioxidants!

  2. Well, I like cantaloupe. In fact, I like almost all summer fruits: apricots, peaches, strawberries …

    Where was I? Oh yes. If you are saying that you are always the cantaloupe, then it stands to reason that you are awesome, because cantaloupe is an awesome fruit. Right?

      1. Thank you. I am always happy to be of service.

        People call me many names, like crazy, dumbass, etc. Brilliant is not usually among the adjectives ascribed to me. Your calling me brilliant has warmed the little fireplace in my heart.

        1. Well I’m glad I was able to warm the fireplace, although I hope it’s cold where you live, because if not, I’ve just made your room a whole lot hotter in this summer heat!

  3. I must admit I’m a cantaloupe lover. Especially when it’s the fruity vehicle for vodka and chocolate. But then again . . . what the hell, ditch the cantaloupe, gimme the chocolate and vodka! 😉

    1. Love it! I prefer to skip the cantaloupe entirely too. Fruit has a lot of sugar, so I’m basically preventing diabetes.

      We’re so healthy!

  4. Is chocolate flavored whiskey a thing? If it is, I like it. Yeah, I like it a lot. If it isn’t a thing, can someone please sort it out because it’s just waiting to be liked? I would even tell Facebook that I like it.

    1. I also, would tell Facebook that I like it. And I don’t even like whiskey, but I love chocolate so much that I think it could overcompensate for it.

      Someone needs to get on this ASAP.

  5. Maybe you have been talking to Kanye. BTW, chocolate is my favorite fruit as well! I like cantaloupe better than honeydew, but watermelon is the best melon.

    1. I think vodka is the only way Kayne can stand that woman.

      And you’re a good man to love chocolate. It’s the best of all the fruits. I also agree that watermelon is the best melon. If I have to have a melon, I’ll take watermelon. Or chocolate.

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