Recently, Jesus sat down for a heartfelt talk with Katie Couric where he spoke candidly on a broad range of topics, including politics, literature, music, and the environment. The most startling exchange, though, occurred when he acknowledged that he had only recently discovered that he became Lord and Savior just because his father is God.
“I honestly thought it was an open competition and that I was simply the best for the job. I knew I had put in my time, wandering around healing people, saying wisdom, avoiding temptation and stuff. Sure, there were a few slip ups with Mary Magdalene, but did you see the body on her? And I did kind of break down carrying the cross, but look at me! I weight like 105 pounds! And that big guy carried it… so no harm, no foul, right? And yes, I did try to weasel my way out of the painful crucifixion while in the garden, and I did ask dad why he had forsaken me. But have you had nails driven in your wrists and taken a spear in your side? I didn’t think so. Other than those things, I thought I was pretty solid.
I knew I was the best of all of the disciples. You had the thieving Judas… Scatterbrained Peter… Skeptical Thomas… Wisecracking Bartholomew… But I really didn’t know that it was a set up, and that all of the really worthy candidates hadn’t even signed up because they knew it was rigged. I thought we were all equals until I saw the way everything came out in the edit.
I apologize to everyone about all of this. I feel really bad about it and I didn’t mean to mislead anyone. But I guess we’re stuck with each other now.”
Jesus closed the interview by promising that the second coming would be performed by someone based solely on merit and staffed from an open and fair competition, available to anyone 21 and over. Anyone but Pat Robertson, because “fuck that guy”.