John Boehner’s Next Job

Lost in the recent drama over the Fiscal Cliff is the issue of picking a new Secretary of State. Obama has nominated John Kerry, but the Cliff battle has shown that a far better candidate for the job exists: John Boehner.

Let’s examine the qualifications needed to be an effective Secretary of State:

Civil War Experience

Secretaries of State spend lots of time in hell-holes racked by pointless civil wars. The GOP in The House is currently embroiled in such a conflict. It’s like watching the PLO and Hamas fight to become the sole legitimate representative of The People, while The People get angrier with each passing day. Boehner is well-versed in handling this scene, he’s like a mixed-drink version of Yasser Arafat.

Bargaining Prowess

A Secretary of State needs to know when to get tough with leaders. When Boehner pointed at Harry Reid last Friday and said “Go fu*k yourself!” it was obvious that the guy is a natural at tough diplomacy. Just picturing him jabbing a finger at Kim Jong Un in North Korea and barking “Oh really, pal, I’ll tell ya where you can put that missile.”

Skin Adaptability

Why did Hillary Clinton stop wearing make-up after she took the Secretary of State job? Because it kept catching on fire. The sun in those Middle Eastern hotspots is vicious. It causes bushes to burst into flames (check your bible). You put fair-skinned John Kerry over there and he’ll have melanoma spots within a week. But given all his tanning booth hours, Boehner will have no problems. He’ll feel like he’s on a golf junket in Palm Springs with a bunch of lobbyists.

Patience And Endurance

When the Tea Party freshman showed up, Boehner probably figured they’d be fetching him coffee after signing normal bills. Next thing he knows he’s listening to crazy talk about Sharia law and victory mosques. You gotta give Boehner credit for enduring the absurdity as long as he has. So, when he’s dealing with some former Soviet republic that boils its political opponents in vats of oil, Boehner can say “Oh, this is nothing. Let me tell you about my time running The House.”

Confirmability

Getting through the Senate confirmation process is hell. And given the Benghazi nonsense, some senator who hasn’t done squat since getting elected will make a huge deal over some triviality because the cameras are rolling and he needs to do something to look like he’s trying. But Boehner can blow right past all this. Having told the Senate leader to do something to himself that is strictly forbidden by LDS faith should expedite Boehner’s confirmation. And half of the GOP in The House would be glad to see him go. They’d probably show up to watch the Senate hearings in the same way aggrieved family members bent on revenge show up to witness an execution.

Boehner for Secretary of State. A total slam dunk.

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6 thoughts on “John Boehner’s Next Job”

  1. I love your reference, ” . . he’s like a mixed-drink version of Yasser Arafat!!” Well done Thomas!

  2. Oh dear! One more possible nightmare! And we just got over that Mayan Apocalypse scare.

  3. I don’t know anything about American politics or America or politics but if these two John’s sat down and had a few beers with each other, I’m sure they would iron out their differences and then they could put the iron down and just get on with things!

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