It’s that time of year when we do the one thing we should never do, which is to look back and assess the previous year. But if we’re gonna insist on driving down that mud-clogged road, we might as well consider the year Congress had. The 2013-2014 Congress passed only 65 bills, an all-time low. That’s not surprising when you elect a bunch of people to government who don’t believe in governing. It’s like hiring a plumber to fix your pipes and he shows up with a wrecking ball.
To restore confidence, Congress really needs to start the next session with a simple, easy-to-pass bill that everyone can agree on. Something I read the other day gave me an idea. A writer wrote a piece about rational gun control, and then posted some of the inevitably hostile emails he received in return. Here’s one:
“Kerry Johnston” said, “Are you still in the active military? You swore to God and your cuntry that you would uphold the Constituton. How can you run your mouth about what you aparently know nothing? You are a disgrace and you’re days are numbered. There will be no mercy and no place for you to hide. Fool!”
I’m wondering if “Kerry Johnston” is actually Mr T.
Okay, ignore for a moment the allusion that the nation is just like female genitalia. And skip the part about the Constitution rhyming with “futon”. The key part is the typo in the death threat.
Almost everyone struggles with “you’re” versus “your” (and possibly “yore”). Same with “there” versus “their” versus “they’re.” But Congress can help with this.
What do we know about Congress? Correct — it loves to pass acts that “simplify” things, like that act that repealed and replaced the Glass-Steagal Act. Not only did that simplify banking for those who profited the most, it also helped cause the financial crisis. What’s not to love?
So Congress should pass the Educational Modernization Act of 2014. This would mandate that there can only be one spelling for similar sounding words. This would save ink, paper, digital storage space for apostrophes, and time doing revisions. But here’s the biggest benefit of all:
Picture John McCain during a debate over the bill. He growls and then says “Too many citizens are going online and making themselves look like illiterate asses. The time for this bill is now!”
Yup, this is how Congress can get off on the write foot in 2014.
That would save so much time – trying to think of the appropriate spelling is difficult for people just learning and for those who never learned. Maybe we could institute an entirely new dictionary, where everything is spelled phonetically! But then that would create a new civil war between the north and the south with differentiations in pronunciation. Hmm. Better leave it as it is. Happy New Year!
Life will be so much simpler with a single spelling for each set of homonyms! But which spelling will we choose? They’re sew many two chews from; your knot going two no witch two youse!
Kerry Johnston isn’t running for president right?
Kerry Johnston really scares me.
Kerry Johnston’s teachers were probably scared of him (her?), too. That’s apparently the only reason he passed any of his (her?) classes.