Local boy Percy Flinghorn courageously came out as heterosexual to the female members of his high school shortly after arriving at last night’s school dance. He asked the DJ for the microphone, wiped the gallon of sweat from his brow, stuffed any visible evidence of the wedgie he received in the parking lot into his pants, and reached inside his pocket protector to retrieve his prepared remarks.
“Ladies. My date card has been a bit empty as of late… or always. And I think I may have discovered the reason for this. So I just wanted to make sure that this wasn’t because of any misconceptions about my sexuality. Let me assure you that I am indeed a heterosexual, in the case any doubts about that were keeping us from any romantic candlelight Dungeons & Dragons or World of Warcraft romps. While I have no problems with homosexuals, I am certainly 100% heterosexual. Well, I suppose only theoretically at this point. But I am ready and willing to have sex with any of you ladies should the need arise. So…let me know if you want to do any kind of sexual things, or maybe a movie. We can do a movie first if you want. Thank you, ladies. No pushing.”
Response to the brave announcement was supportive, but not too supportive.