My husband never listens to voicemails from me. I find this strange because if I got voicemail from me, I would listen immediately.
In fact, I might actually ignore the call from me just so I could receive a voicemail and save it…so I could hear my voice whenever I needed comfort; like whenever Taylor Swift comes out with a new album.
(We get it Taylor. You were dumped and can’t ever find love. It’s probably because you make a pouty face in photos and you’ve never been introduced to a straightening iron.)
Excuse me a moment while I leave myself a voicemail.
Okay, I’m back. I left an inspirational voicemail to myself questioning why Luv’s doesn’t make tampons.
It seems like such a no-brainer and a great cross-marketing idea. *DON’T STEAL MY IDEA!
Obviously, my voicemails are brilliant, which is all the more reason my husband should listen to them. So every now and then, I like to leave him voicemail with interesting (and hilarious) content, just to see if he listens. Here are a few examples of my recent attempts:
- “I cheated on you with the busboy from Applebee’s and we’re having a love child we’re going to name after the appetizer that brought us together.”
- “I just violated myself with a pineapple and wanted you to know in case there’s some extra rind down there.”
- “On a totally unrelated note, we need more pineapple. And Neosporin.”
- “I know you’ve been trying to get into that zumba class at the gym, and today they told me there was an opening for you. I told them you didn’t look good in neon, and declined the invitation. You don’t look good in neon.”
- “I spiked your lunch with a diuretic because you look a little bloated. You’re welcome.”
- “When you come home today, whatever you do, don’t look in the hall closet. I rescued a feral cat today and he doesn’t like men, or the smell of cheap cologne. You lose on both counts.”
I’ve never received a response.
If you’d like me to leave you inspirational voicemail like this, just let me know. I won’t charge anything more than the long distance charge I get when I use my rotary phone from my land line.
10 thoughts on “Love Messages To My Husband….Sort Of”
I’m bad about listening to voicemails.
There. I said it.
I pretty much see the person’s number and just call them back. It’s a bad habit I try to break, with sporadic success. I hope no one tries your tactics on me. I’d feel “outed.”
That’s exactly what my husband says! He’s all “I saw you called so I’ll just call you back.”
I can only hope one of your friends reads this blog and leaves you a fun little message!
I’ll take one as long as there’s no mention of fruit.
I can’t make that promise, Tom. I just can’t.
Please send me one of those. I don’t have any friends who are properly trained to send funny voicemails. All I get are the usual “meet us at the diner at 3:00” or “if you don’t return my call I am going to hunt you down and kill you” messages.
Hmmm…it sounds like one group of friends knows how to party with the 3:00 at the diner, but the other group of friends may not be your friends…they may be serial killers.
HAVE A SAFE WORD!
It’s beyond me why Hallmark has not hired you yet! These have greeting card written all over them! 🙂
Don’t they, though? I think my voicemails should just be random cards and thoughts.
Hallmark, if you’re reading, call me!
Hmmmm….I just may need one of your inspirational voicemails. I’ll get back to ya!
They work! I will motivate you like none other. 🙂
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