Love Messages To My Husband….Sort Of

Lisa Newlin
photo credit: armisteadbooker via photopin cc
photo credit: armisteadbooker via photopin cc

My husband never listens to voicemails from me.  I find this strange because if I got voicemail from me, I would listen immediately.

In fact, I might actually ignore the call from me just so I could receive a voicemail and save it…so I could hear my voice whenever I needed comfort; like whenever Taylor Swift comes out with a new album.

(We get it Taylor.  You were dumped and can’t ever find love.  It’s probably because you make a pouty face in photos and you’ve never been introduced to a straightening iron.)

Excuse me a moment while I leave myself a voicemail.

Okay, I’m back.  I left an inspirational voicemail to myself questioning why Luv’s doesn’t make tampons.

It seems like such a no-brainer and a great cross-marketing idea.  *DON’T STEAL MY IDEA!

Obviously, my voicemails are brilliant, which is all the more reason my husband should listen to them.  So every now and then, I like to leave him voicemail with interesting (and hilarious) content, just to see if he listens.  Here are a few examples of my recent attempts:

  • “I cheated on you with the busboy from Applebee’s and we’re having a love child we’re going to name after the appetizer that brought us together.”
  • “I just violated myself with a pineapple and wanted you to know in case there’s some extra rind down there.”
  • “On a totally unrelated note, we need more pineapple.  And Neosporin.”
  • “I know you’ve been trying to get into that zumba class at the gym, and today they told me there was an opening for you.  I told them you didn’t look good in neon, and declined the invitation. You don’t look good in neon.”
  • “I spiked your lunch with a diuretic because you look a little bloated.  You’re welcome.”
  • “When you come home today, whatever you do, don’t look in the hall closet.  I rescued a feral cat today and he doesn’t like men, or the smell of cheap cologne.  You lose on both counts.”

I’ve never received a response.

If you’d like me to leave you inspirational voicemail like this, just let me know.  I won’t charge anything more than the long distance charge I get when I use my rotary phone from my land line.

photo credit: jamelah via photopin cc
photo credit: jamelah via photopin cc
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10 thoughts on “Love Messages To My Husband….Sort Of”

  1. I’m bad about listening to voicemails.

    There. I said it.

    I pretty much see the person’s number and just call them back. It’s a bad habit I try to break, with sporadic success. I hope no one tries your tactics on me. I’d feel “outed.”

    1. That’s exactly what my husband says! He’s all “I saw you called so I’ll just call you back.”

      I can only hope one of your friends reads this blog and leaves you a fun little message!

  3. Please send me one of those. I don’t have any friends who are properly trained to send funny voicemails. All I get are the usual “meet us at the diner at 3:00” or “if you don’t return my call I am going to hunt you down and kill you” messages.

    1. Hmmm…it sounds like one group of friends knows how to party with the 3:00 at the diner, but the other group of friends may not be your friends…they may be serial killers.

      HAVE A SAFE WORD!

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