Make The Next Holiday A Patriotic One

By: Cristian Ramírez

The National Security Agency has been hoovering up vast amounts of data on American citizens from internet and telecomm companies which claim to “aggressively protect our users’ data.” The President tells us that the surveillance programs are safe and balanced because requests for data are reviewed by FISA court judges. If you could peer into one of those courts, you’d see a kangaroo hopping around with rubber stamps reading “Approved” attached to his feet while government agents feed in thousands of request forms. And on this issue Congress has been about as responsible as a parent hosting a kegger for the kids.

Watching the government and various corporations try to cover their asses is like watching the end of Deliverance, where Ned Beatty and John Voight try to explain away the missing canoe and convince the hillbilly sheriff that all is well:

“Ed, I think they found that other canoe…”

“Upstream, above where we told him.”

“I never said that.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, I didn’t.”

At this point it’s up to us (ordinary Americans) to stop this. One way we could do this would be to corrupt the data being collected and make it completely useless. If we can make it appear that every single American is a terrorist, the NSA will be foiled. They’ll drown in useless information and have to give up.

So to this end I’m proposing that July 4th be rechristened as National Call Tajikistan Day. Here’s how it’ll work:

On July 4th every single American calls someone in Tajikistan. Since the goal here is to create suspicion, the content of the call is not important. Your conversation could go something like this:


(Phone rings in Tajikistan)

“$Q€&$ ??”

“Hi there, I’m calling from the United States. We’re looking for Dick Cheney’s devil horns. He misplaced them. Do you happen to have them in your village?”

“!A$LQ€ !!!

“Thanks! Have a great day. Allahu Akbar.”


And then hang up (but remember to post about your call on Facebook and Google Plus; that adds data). It’s a simple way to help prevent the emerging Surveillance State from taking full effect. It’ll only require a few minutes of your time, and then you can return to your Independence Day barbecue, feeling like you did something patriotic.

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